When a Mate Is Unfaithful
THE shock was devastating. The couple had one small baby, and the young wife was expecting a second. Now she found out that her husband had betrayed her. He had committed adultery! Bitterly hurt and confused, she wondered what to do.
Unhappily, this is not an uncommon problem. Reports from different countries show that many married people today are unfaithful to their mates and cause severe crises in their marriage. How should a Christian react who finds that his or her marriage mate has been unfaithful?
In such a situation, Jesus’ words on the subject have to be taken into account: “I say to you that whoever divorces his wife, except on the ground of fornication, and marries another commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9) What does this mean? That fornication (which in the Bible sense includes adultery and gross sexual immorality such as homosexuality) can break up a marriage. Scripturally, the innocent partner has the right to divorce the guilty one and remarry without sin in God’s eyes.a
But must the innocent mate follow this course of action?
God’s Own Example
An example from the days of ancient Israel helps us to answer this. A prophet of God named Hosea married a woman named Gomer and had a son by her. Afterward, Gomer was unfaithful and had two children by other men. Then she evidently abandoned Hosea for her lovers. Nevertheless, Hosea showed great compassion. He later took Gomer back, even though he had to pay money for her. (She evidently had been abandoned by her lovers and had fallen into poverty and slavery.) So rather than act in strict justice toward his wife, Hosea showed mercy.
This mercy of Hosea was used in the Bible as an illustration of an even greater act of mercy toward an erring wife. Jehovah God compared his own relationship with Israel to that of a husband to a wife. “I myself had husbandly ownership of them,” he said on one occasion. (Jeremiah 31:32) But, like Hosea’s wife, the Israelites were unfaithful. They frequently worshiped false gods, thus committing spiritual adultery. (Hosea 6:10; 7:4) By his own law, God could have “divorced” them, cast them off. What did he do?
Like Hosea, he showed himself willing to take back his erring “wife” if she would abandon her immorality. He looked forward to the time when “the sons of Israel will come back and certainly look for Jehovah their God, and for David their king; and they will certainly come quivering to Jehovah and to his goodness in the final part of the days.”—Hosea 3:5.
Can a Christian ever show a similar loving forgiveness to an erring mate?
Why Be Merciful?
Yes, and, in fact, many have. Married persons who commit adultery put their future into the hands of their innocent mates. But often these victims have found it in their hearts to be forgiving. Why did they do that?
For one thing, they remembered that marriage is a gift from God and should not be dissolved lightly. They have also reflected on the great mercy God has shown to all of us and remembered how it pleases him when we are merciful to each other. Jesus said: “Happy are the merciful, since they will be shown mercy.”—Matthew 5:7.
Mercy is possible, especially when the offender has a deep feeling of guilt and sincerely regrets the wrong done. In such a case, the innocent mate may feel it is worthwhile to fight against the bitterness and hurt and lovingly help the sinner to change. Such forgiveness from a loving mate can help the repentant sinner to realize as never before what a treasure his marriage is and make him determined never to put it at risk again.
Remember, too, that sometimes—but by no means always—adultery is a result of an unhappy situation at home. Would that excuse adultery? By no means! Yet realizing that such a situation has existed may help the innocent mate to see what can be done to help the erring partner not to stray again.
For example, a husband may spend long hours at work or in some other worthy pursuit. He personally may feel completely happy and fulfilled, but what about the wife that he leaves at home deprived of his company?
Or consider the case of the husband who used to come home tired from work to find the house empty, no food prepared and a pile of dirty clothes on the floor. The wife was busy at projects outside the house that were doubtless noble and important, yet the result was that this husband felt neglected and unwanted. Hence, he turned his attention to another woman. When the affair came to light, he begged for forgiveness and promised not to repeat his sin. However, the wife planned to go ahead and divorce him, which, of course, she had the right to do, for her husband had sinned grievously. But could the wife say that she was completely innocent of blame in the bad marital situation that led to the immorality?
Thus, for one reason or another, a Christian may choose to imitate God himself and forgive an erring mate. If so, great blessings can result. What blessings?
Blessings for the Merciful
First, many who have forgiven their unfaithful, repentant mate have been able to pull the marriage back into a fine condition. Husband, wife and children have been able to enjoy a happy homelife again. Surely, this is a goal worth working for.
Often the one forgiven appreciates his innocent and merciful partner much more. He may recognize qualities of humility and love that perhaps he never realized existed, especially when he comes to see what a terrible experience he has put his partner through.
This is what happened with the family mentioned at the beginning of this article. Of course, the young wife was deeply hurt to find that her husband had been unfaithful. She had a Scriptural right to send him away and end the marriage. However, this would have led to a fatherless family and the loneliness of a divorced woman.
Instead, she showed consideration for her little child and the new baby that was coming. She also considered the deep sorrow of her husband and remembered the love they once had. Hence, she chose to imitate Jehovah God and forgive her repentant husband. The husband was deeply impressed. With loving help from his wife he has regained his balance and the respect of his family and associates. The problem is now in the past. This happy family is united and working toward a future together.
A Prayerful Decision
In no way can transgressions against God’s law be minimized. Those unfaithful to their marriage mate stand guilty before Jehovah God, the Originator of human marriage. If they lose their family, they have to recognize that this is a direct result of their own sin. If they wish to rebuild their relationship with God and look forward with confidence to the promises he holds out to us, they have to repent and completely change their thinking and their immoral way of life—whether their mate forgives them or not.
However, a breakup should not be viewed as automatic. Just as Hosea forgave Gomer, and Jehovah time and again forgave the spiritually adulterous Israelites, innocent mates should at least consider, and consider prayerfully, the possibility of preserving the marriage bond. This can be a way to show respect for the Originator of marriage, as well as perhaps opening the way for the couple to enjoy happiness in their marriage once again.
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