The Special Problems of Stepfamilies

HAPPY STEPFAMILIES ARE POSSIBLE! HOW?

The stepfamily has become a common type of household in many parts of the world. Yet, stepfamilies have unique problems. The most challenging is undoubtedly child rearing. However, as the two articles that follow will try to show, it is possible to rear children successfully in a stepfamily environment.

TRADITIONALLY, STEPFATHERS AND STEPMOTHERS HAVE HAD A BAD PRESS. WHEN WE WERE children, many of us heard some version of the fairy tale of Cinderella, who suffered so much at the hands of her cruel stepmother. Children in Europe learn, too, the fairy tale Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Snow White’s stepmother turns out to be a wicked witch!

Do such fairy tales give an accurate view of stepfamilies? Are all stepparents really so bad? No. Most of them want only what is best for the children they inherit by marriage. But they do have to face some difficult problems inherent in stepfamily life.

The Problems of Child Rearing

When a first marriage breaks down, the cause is often the immaturity of the mates. In a second marriage, dealing with the children can strain the relationship. Some records show that more than 4 out of 10 blended families end in divorce within the first five years.

The newlyweds may not realize the emotional turmoil, the conflicts of loyalty, and the feelings of jealousy and resentment that the stepparent’s arrival sparks in the stepchildren. These may imagine that the stepparent has replaced them in the affections of their natural parent. Moreover, a natural parent abandoned by a mate may find it hard to understand the children’s ongoing attachment to the former mate. One boy tried to explain his good relationship with his biological father, saying, “Mom, I know Dad treated you badly, but he has been good to me!” Such an expression, while honest, could make a mother feel bitter resentment toward the child’s father.

One stepfather confessed: “I was not really prepared to deal with all the problems related to bringing up my stepchildren. I went into the situation thinking that now that I had married their mother, I was their father. It was as simple as that! I did not understand the children’s attachment to their biological father, and I made many mistakes.”

Tensions can arise especially in the matter of discipline. Children need loving discipline, but they often rebel against it even when it comes from a natural parent. How much harder to accept it from a stepparent! Commonly, when faced with such discipline, a stepchild will say something like, “You are not really my father!” How devastating such words can be to a well-meaning stepparent!

Can children be successfully reared in a blended family? Can stepparents play a positive role in building a successful stepfamily? The answer to both questions is yes if all involved follow the counsel in God’s inspired Word, the Bible.

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“You are not really my father!”