What Causes Domestic Violence?

“Rather than being a refuge from the stresses, strains, and irrationality of the outside society, the family often seems to transmit or even magnify these strains.”​—The Intimate Environment—​Exploring Marriage and the Family.

RESEARCH on the topic of family violence is a relatively new endeavor. Extensive surveys have been conducted only during recent decades. Results of such investigations may not always be consistent, but some basic factors contributing to domestic violence have been discovered. Let us consider some of these.

What Role Does Family Background Play?

A number of researchers said of their findings: “The more violent the couple we interviewed, the more violent their children are to each other, and to their parents.”

Simply being an eyewitness to family violence has a great effect upon a youngster. “A child witnessing his mother being battered is equivalent to the child being battered,” notes therapist John Bradshaw. One youth named Ed hated seeing his father beat his mother. Nevertheless, although he may not have realized it, he was being conditioned to believe that men must control women and that in order to do so, men must scare, hurt, and demean them. When he became an adult, Ed used these abusive, violent tactics on his wife.

Some parents cautiously forbid their children to watch violence on television, and that is a good thing. But parents should be even more cautious when it comes to monitoring their own behavior as role models for their impressionable children.

What Role Does Stress Play?

Pregnancy, unemployment, the death of a parent, moving, illness, and financial problems bring on stress, as do other things. Most people handle stress without resorting to violence. To some, however, stress can be a prelude to violence, especially when combined with other factors. For example, caring for an aged parent​—particularly when the parent is ill—​has often led to abuse when the caretaker is overburdened with other family responsibilities.

Raising children produces stress. As a result, the likelihood of child abuse may increase with the size of the family. Children may bring an increase in spouse abuse as well, for “it is conflict over children which is most likely to lead a couple to blows,” reports Behind Closed Doors.

Improper View of the Sexes

Dan Bajorek, who operates a counseling group in Canada, says that abusive men have a wrong view of women: “Whatever culture they’re from, they’ve been brought up to believe men are Number 1.” Hamish Sinclair, who heads a treatment program for abusive men, says that men are trained to believe that they are superior to women and that it is their right “to punish, discipline or intimidate them.”

In many lands the man is considered to have the right to treat his wife like a mere object, just another piece of his property. His control and dominance of his wife is taken as a measure of his manliness and honor. Often wives are horribly beaten and otherwise abused, and the legal systems do little about it because that is the code in such lands. The man is superior, and the woman inferior; she must render total obedience to him regardless of how dishonorable, violent, perverted, or selfish he is.

CBS television reporter Morley Safer reported of one South American country: “Nowhere in Latin America is the cult of machismo more apparent . . . It pervades all of society, including the courtroom where in defending his honor a man can get away with murder, particularly if the victim is his woman.” He asserted that “no place on earth degrades women” as that country does. But male dominance and the degradation of women is widespread. It is not confined to one land, however severe it may be there.

Minna Schulman, director of a domestic violence and law enforcement agency in New York, stated that violence is a tool that men use to maintain control and to demonstrate power and authority over a woman. She added: “We see domestic violence as a misuse of power and control.”

Some wife beaters suffer from low self-esteem, the same trait they induce in their victims. If they can do that, then their ego will have been fed, and they will feel a measure of superiority and control over another human. They feel that they prove their masculinity in this way. Yet, do they? Since they perpetrate their violence on physically weaker women, does it prove that they are truly men of strength, or does it prove, instead, that they are unreasonable? Is it really manly for a stronger male to beat up a weaker, more defenseless female? A man of strong moral character would show consideration and compassion for weaker and more defenseless ones, not take advantage of them.

Another demonstration of the unreasonable thinking of the abuser is the fact that he often blames his wife for provoking the beatings. He may imply, or even say to her, such things as: ‘You didn’t do this right. That’s why I’m beating you.’ Or: ‘Dinner was late, so you’re just getting what you deserve.’ In the abuser’s mind, it is her fault. However, no shortcoming of the other mate justifies battering.

Does Alcohol Make a Difference?

Since alcohol decreases control and raises the potential for acting on impulse, it is not surprising that some feel it can be a catalyst for abuse. Often a person is able to maintain control of violent emotions when he is sober, but after a few drinks, he becomes abusive. The alcohol has dulled his wits and diminished his ability to control his temper.

Others, however, claim that the problem is rooted more in stress than in alcohol itself. They say that a person who uses alcohol to cope with stress is the same type of person who may use violence for that purpose. This means that the drinker may be just as abusive when sober as when intoxicated. Nevertheless, whatever the reasoning in this regard, alcohol is surely not conducive to controlling one’s emotions but will usually do the opposite.

How the Media Shape Actions

Television, as well as the cinema, some claim, encourages a macho image for males and teaches that violence is a legitimate way to deal with conflict and anger. “I was fascinated at my own intense response to the movie Rambo,” admits one family counselor. “While my law-abiding [inner] adult is horrified by Rambo’s mass killings, my [inner] child cheers him on.”

Since many children are exposed to thousands of hours of television with countless acts of violence, rape, and degradation of other humans, particularly women, it is no wonder that many grow up to act out those very antisocial traits on others. And not only are children affected but adults are too.

Also, particularly in recent years, the degree of graphic violence, immorality, and demeaning of women as depicted on television and in films has markedly increased. This cannot but worsen the domestic violence scene. As an investigative group found, there is “a clear . . . correlation between viewing violence and aggressive behavior.”

The Effect of Isolation

Life is impersonal and lonely for many today. Supermarkets and discount stores have replaced the friendly neighborhood grocery. Urban renewal, economic problems, and unemployment force families to become transient. A high rate of domestic violence is found among those without strong social contacts.

James C. Coleman, in his book Intimate Relationships, Marriage, and the Family, explains why he thinks this is the case. He feels that being a loner cuts down on meaningful conversation and makes it difficult for an abuser to see his situation objectively and to seek help from a confidant. Not having friends and close relatives who can act as a tempering force enables a person to act out his selfishness more easily, since his wrong thinking is not daily counteracted by others close to him. It is as Proverbs 18:1 says: “One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth.”

Help for the Violent Family

We have discussed just a portion of the explanations offered for domestic violence. There are others. Having identified some of the causes, we now need to examine solutions. If one is in a violent family, how can the pattern of abuse be stopped? What is the Bible’s view? Will domestic violence ever end? The article on page 10 will address these questions.

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Emotional Violence​—Hitting Hard With Words

IN PHYSICAL abuse the assault is with fists; in emotional abuse the attack is with words. The only difference is the choice of weapons. It is as Proverbs 12:18 says: “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.”

How dangerous is emotional violence, including these “stabs of a sword”? Dr. Susan Forward writes: “The result is the same [as in physical abuse]. You are just as scared, you feel just as helpless, and you are in just as much pain,” emotionally speaking.

Emotional violence toward a spouse: “Conjugal violence isn’t just physical. A large part, perhaps even the largest, is verbal and emotional,” said one long-term victim. Abuse may include name-calling, shouting, constant criticism, degrading insults, and threats of physical violence.

Malicious comments that belittle, humiliate, or intimidate can do grave damage. Like water dripping on a rock, denigrating innuendos may seem harmless at first. But self-esteem is soon eroded. “If I had to choose between physical and verbal abuse, I’d take a beating anytime,” said one woman. “You can see the marks,” she explained, “so at least people feel sorry for you. With the verbal stuff, it just makes you crazy. The wounds are invisible. Nobody cares.”

Emotional violence toward a child: This may include the constant criticizing and belittling of a child’s appearance, intelligence, competence, or value as a person. Sarcasm is particularly damaging. Children often take sarcastic remarks at face value, not discriminating between what is said in earnest and what is said in “fun.” Family therapist Sean Hogan-Downey notes: “The child feels hurt, but everyone is laughing, so he learns not to trust his feelings.”

Thus, in most cases, there is a ring of truth in what Scottish historian and essayist Thomas Carlyle once said: “Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the Devil; for which reason I have, long since, as good as renounced it.”

Joy Byers, a child-abuse expert, says: “Physical abuse may kill a child, but you can also kill the spirit, and that is what a constant pattern of negative parental comments can do.” The magazine FLEducator comments: “Unlike the bruise which can be identified and fades, emotional abuse causes unseen changes in a child’s mind and personality which permanently alters his reality and his interaction with others.”

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Being exposed to violence has a strong influence on a child’s later behavior