Young People Ask . . .
How Can I Cope With a Failed Romance?
“HE MADE me feel so very special. I had feelings I’d never felt before. But then he said that he didn’t think it would work. I thought my life had ended. I cried all day and all night. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I lost 30 pounds [15 kg] in a couple of months, and I even developed bronchitis. Life had no meaning for me.”—Renee.
If you have been hurt by a failed romantic relationship, this lament may sound familiar. You know well what it means to feel deeply for someone, only to have your hopes dashed to pieces. The feeling of rejection is intense, humiliating. As you struggle to get over the pain, you may wonder, ‘Why can’t I just let go—forget the person and get on with my life?’ It is rarely that simple.
Why Is It So Hard?
One study showed that the bond of romantic affection can be strong. It has even been compared to the parent-child bond. While it would doubtless take a long time for romantic love to grow that strong, still, the emotions may be deeply felt from the outset. You can’t just turn them on and off as you might flick a light switch. And if you are in what the Bible calls “the bloom of youth,” the awakening of sexual desire can be almost overpowering. (1 Corinthians 7:36) That makes the loss of a boyfriend or a girlfriend especially hard to take.
A tendency to fantasize may play a role as well. One study by researchers explains that adolescents are “more vulnerable to loss because when they enter a romantic relationship, they tend to fantasize about the future with their partner. This fantasy may include dreams of getting married, having children, and being together for the rest of their lives.” Such dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they have little basis in reality.
You Are Still Loved
The same study thus states that “the loss of a romantic partner . . . can lead to feelings of personal failure and inadequacy.” Jeanette recalls: “You feel depressed, as if nobody’s there for you. You don’t care anymore. You feel rejected.” Like her, many feel depressed, guilty, worthless, unable to concentrate. Some have even committed suicide.
So this can be a dangerous time for you. Remember, though, Jesus’ exhortation to “love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31) A measure of self-love is needed and proper. The fact that one person failed to return your romantic love does not mean that you are unlovable, does it? You can’t really assume that no one else will ever find you desirable or attractive, can you? Do you not have family members and friends who love you?
More important, how does God feel about you? Leah, a woman who lived in Bible times, must have felt the pain of rejection quite keenly. She knew well that her husband, Jacob, was tricked into marrying her and that he loved her sister Rachel more. No wonder she felt “hated,” as it were, and wretched. Yet, God found much good in Leah. He blessed her with many children, and both the priestly line of Israel and the kingly line—which produced the Messiah—came through her, not through Rachel.—Genesis 29:30-35.
No amount of rejection can change the reality of God’s blessing and love. Remember, the Creator of the universe loves you enough to have allowed his Son to suffer and die for you. (John 3:16) You are not unlovable, and you are certainly not worthless.
When a Breakup Is Really a Blessing
You may feel that this breakup is one of the worst things that has ever happened to you, but it may be just the opposite. Hard as it may be to believe, it is quite likely that the end of your romance is a blessing. How so? Most teenage romantic relationships hold no real promise of success. Young people are still growing and changing; they are susceptible to fleeting desires and mistaken loves. Nonetheless, every year thousands of teenagers marry, only to find out too late that doing so was a mistake. One newspaper executive stated after her divorce: “It was a real mistake to marry so young. I didn’t really understand we had very different values and backgrounds.”
Teen marriages have a horrendously high failure rate. So as bad as you may feel right now, be assured of one thing—you would feel a lot worse trapped in an unhappy marriage. Ask yourself if you really were ready for a lifelong marriage, with all its responsibilities, including child rearing. And was the one you loved really ready and mature? Remember, breakup of a courtship is infinitely less painful than breakup of a marriage.
The breakup was particularly a blessing if you made the mistake of getting involved with someone who does not respect godly principles and moral standards. (2 Corinthians 6:14) Shana recalls the moral dangers of having a worldly boyfriend: “He always said he loved me. But then he would ask me to have sex with him. I would say no. I realized it was wrong. After a while, he stopped calling me. I cried every night—it was hard to lose him!” Clearly, though, this breakup saved Shana from spiritual disaster.
So you may be able to view the breakup as a learning experience. As Proverbs 22:3 says, “shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself, but the inexperienced have passed along and must suffer the penalty.” Will this experience make you more shrewd, so as to avoid trouble in the future?
Coping With Feelings
However, even if the breakup was the best thing for you, that still does not make it painless. How can you handle the feelings that just don’t seem to go away? For one thing, it will not help to pretend that you don’t feel anything. As ’Teen magazine recently said on this subject, “feelings aren’t things that you can run from or hide from. Eventually, they’ll find you.”
It is quite natural for you to feel provoked, deeply upset over this. But don’t bottle it up, going to bed distraught night after night. Follow the Bible’s wise counsel: “Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” (Ephesians 4:26) Express yourself to a trusted friend or confidant. “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk,” says Proverbs 15:22. Your parents or Christian elders can be very helpful in these situations. You may find that they went through similar painful experiences when they were young.
Another aid in coping with your feelings is keeping busy. You may tend to withdraw, isolate yourself, daydream, and lose interest in life. Jeanette recalls: “You don’t feel like doing anything. You just sleep a lot.” But as Proverbs 18:1 warns, “one isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth.” So instead, keep busy. Get right back into group association with those who will encourage you in the right course.
An excellent way to channel your energies is to immerse yourself in the Christian ministry. The apostle Paul wrote: “Consequently, my beloved brothers, become steadfast, unmovable, always having plenty to do in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in connection with the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 15:58) Your life need not feel empty or meaningless. Sharing the good news with others brings happiness and satisfaction.—Acts 20:35.
Remember, too, that for a while you will experience good days and bad days. On bad days you may feel that you will never get over this. But the truth is, you will get better. Healing a wound—any wound—takes time. Do not delay the process by wallowing in romantic or sentimental music and daydreaming about your lost love. Rely on Jehovah for strength. He knows exactly what you are going through and how you feel. “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.”—Psalm 34:18.
Brighter Times Ahead
As a youth, one of your great blessings is time. There is so much time ahead of you to learn and gain experience. So use this precious asset wisely; develop qualities that will help you to become a stable and secure adult. That way you will be able to make wise decisions about courtship and marriage in the future.
As difficult as it is, this painful period will pass, and you may be all the wiser for it. Renee, quoted earlier, says: “I am able to deal with my feelings much better now. I’ve learned so much. I’ve learned that only by doing things Jehovah’s way will things go right.”
[Picture on page 23]
It really hurts when you see the person you like fall for someone else