Young People Ask . . .

How Can I Get Over a Broken Heart?

YOU just know this is the one you will marry. You enjoy each other’s company, you share common interests, and you sense a mutual attraction. Then, suddenly, the relationship dies, exploding in a burst of anger​—or melting in tears.

Few things in life cause as much heartache as the breakup of a romance. In his book The Young Person’s Guide to Love, author Morton Hunt claimed: “Only about one out of five people, at the breakup of a teenage love affair, feels indifferent. As for the people who didn’t want the breakup at all, most of them feel torn apart, crushed, wildly angry.” Youths often bring vexation upon themselves by getting romantically involved long before they are ready for marriage.

Nevertheless, some young adults may be ready for marriage and have pursued courtship honorably and seriously​—only to find themselves heartbroken when a relationship does not work out. Can one recuperate from the bitter heartbreak of a wrecked romance?

Why Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

In his book The Chemistry of Love, Dr. Michael Liebowitz likens the onset of love to the rush of a powerful drug. But like a drug, such love can trigger raging ‘withdrawal symptoms’ if it dies. Psychologist David Goss cites ‘depression, anxiety, physical illness, the loss of the sense of purpose in life, and a period of grieving’ as typical reactions to romantic breakups. And it makes little difference whether the love is mere infatuation or the ‘real thing.’ Both can create dizzying highs​—and agonizing lows if the relationship ends.

The feelings of rejection, hurt, and perhaps outrage that come in the wake of a breakup may thus sour your view of the future. One Christian woman speaks of herself as ‘wounded’ because of being jilted. “I can only be a ‘Hi, how are you?’ person [with the opposite sex] now,” she says. “I am not letting any person get close to me.” The deeper the commitment you feel in a relationship, the deeper the hurt its breakup can result in. Being told by others that it was just puppy love or that ‘you’ll get over it soon’ is of little comfort.

Why Breakups Occur

Desperately needed now is, not irrational emotion, but calm reflection. “Thinking ability itself will keep guard over you, discernment itself will safeguard you,” said Solomon. (Proverbs 2:11) Reasoning makes clear that the freedom to court whom you please carries a hefty price tag: the very real possibility of suffering rejection. After all, what is the only legitimate reason to keep close company with one of the opposite sex? Is it not to see how that one measures up as a potential marriage mate? To date simply for the fun of it would be nothing less than cruelly playing with someone’s feelings.​—Compare Proverbs 26:18, 19.

But does dating, or any form of courtship, guarantee that true love will grow or that a wedding is imminent? Not necessarily, for after a while it may become apparent that you have conflicting goals, incompatible life-styles, or clashing temperaments. In such cases, the wise thing to do may be to call it off! “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself,” says the Bible.​—Proverbs 22:3.

So if someone began courting you with honest intentions but later concludes that marriage would be unwise, you have not necessarily been dealt with unfairly. The problem is, there is no painless way of ending a romance. No doubt you would prefer that the person show Christian consideration and face you, explaining just why the relationship is over. Often, though, the one leaving is unwilling to brave a face-to-face meeting. He or she may thus take the unkind way out, sending a terse letter or, worse yet, simply ignoring you, as if that would make the problem go away.

Even when a breakup is handled with the utmost of tact and kindness, you are still bound to feel hurt and rejected. This is no reason to lose your self-esteem, however. The fact that you were not “right” in this person’s eyes does not mean that you will not be just right in the eyes of someone else. After all, this is not the only young man or woman in the world!

Another way to fight feelings of rejection is to try putting the defunct romance in cool perspective. Does the girl whom you thought you loved really fit the description of the “capable wife” described in the Bible? (Proverbs 31:10-31) Is the young man whom you set your heart on one who would truly ‘love his wife as his own body,’ or does he still manifest a measure of selfishness? (Ephesians 5:28) True, he or she may possess striking good looks and irresistible charm. Ah, but “charm is a cheat and beauty is a bubble.”​—Proverbs 31:30, The Bible in Living English.

The breakup may even spotlight disturbing things about this person​—emotional immaturity, indecision, inflexibility, intolerance, a lack of consideration for your feelings. These are hardly desirable qualities in a marriage mate. At the same time, you may come to realize that you also have a few things to work on before you’ll be a desirable marriage partner.

‘But I Don’t Want It to Be Over!’

What, though, if the breakup is entirely one-sided, and you are convinced a marriage would have worked out well? Certainly you have a right to let the other person know how you feel. Remember, though, “he that is sweet in his lips adds persuasiveness.” (Proverbs 16:21) Emotional rantings and ravings will accomplish little. A calm discussion, though, may reveal that there have simply been some misunderstandings. Nevertheless, if he or she insists on splitting up, there is no need for you to humiliate yourself, tearfully begging for the affections of someone who obviously has no feelings for you. Solomon said there is “a time to seek and a time to give up as lost.”​—Ecclesiastes 3:6.

True, there may be strong reason to suspect that you were merely being used by someone who never had a sincere interest in marriage in the first place. “I found out she was only giving me the attention to get another man jealous,” recalls Daniel regarding a girl he dated years ago. “It was very painful. It was years before I let myself get involved again.” A person who cruelly toys with someone’s feelings could hardly be viewed as an exemplary Christian, and you can be assured that such deviousness is not unnoticed by God. Sooner or later, such a one will be made to regret his or her course of action​—without your having to resort to vindictive reprisals. “The cruel person is bringing ostracism upon his own organism.”​—Proverbs 11:17; compare 6:12-15.

The Road to Recovery

Of course, simply knowing that breaking up was the best thing to do will not make all your hurt feelings vanish. You may from time to time be tormented by loneliness or romantic memories. If so, quickly get your mind down to earth! Get busy, perhaps in some physical activity. Avoid solitude. (Proverbs 18:1) Keep your mind on things that are cheerful and upbuilding.​—Philippians 4:8.

You do not have to be a hero and suppress your feelings. Confiding in your heavenly Father will no doubt bring much relief. Being busy in the Christian ministry will help. It may also help to confide in a close friend. (Proverbs 18:24) And do not forget that your parents can often be of great comfort, even if you feel you are old enough to be independent.​—Proverbs 23:22.

A breakup is a bitter experience. But one can benefit even from heartbreak. “Bruising wounds are what scours away the bad,” says Proverbs 20:30. You may now see the need to work on certain aspects of your personality. Your vision of what you want in a marriage mate may be clearer than ever. And having loved and lost, you may decide to handle courtship a bit more prudentlya should a desirable person ever come along again​—the likelihood of which may be greater than you think.

[Footnotes]

[Blurb on page 13]

“I can only be a ‘Hi, how are you?’ person now. I am not letting any person get close to me”

[Picture on page 15]

When it becomes apparent that a courtship is not working out, the kind thing would be to have a face-to-face discussion, explaining why the relationship must end