Why It’s So Hard for Parents to ‘Let Go’

“GOOD-BYE MOM! GOOD-BYE DAD!” he says for the third time. Between good-byes, he’s found every excuse imaginable to stay just a little bit longer.

But now “good-bye” has a ring of finality. One more tearful embrace, a firm handshake and off he goes. As parents, you look at each other with the sober realization that he really won’t be coming back to stay anymore. The house that once was filled with his talk and laughter now seems so empty.

So much time, effort and emotion are invested in your children. For about 20 years your routine of life has centered on them. “Yesterday” you nearly panicked at the sound of your baby’s cry. You anxiously paced the floor of your doctor’s office when your six-year-old ran a fever. You held your breath opening their report cards, sighed with relief at their passing grades. You protested when your teenagers played their loud music, but cried when they spoke of leaving home. And now, one by one, they have all grown up and left.

Little wonder that many find adjusting to the “empty nest” a real challenge. “For the first time in my life,” confessed one man after his daughter left home, “I just cried and cried and cried.”

Whelan and Evelyn, though, trained their children for eventual independence. Still, when their children left, “it was quite an adjustment,” they said. “You’ve been busy, hustling here and there. And when they’ve left, you just have you and your mate. The worst thing is coming home and seeing that the kids aren’t there.” Norma, mother of a grown daughter, admits: “It took me a while to get used to Lynn’s not being in her room. So I would keep the door closed because if I left it open, I always felt as if she might be in there and I’d want to talk with her.”

Almost all parents feel such mixed emotions when the “kids” leave home. There’s pride that a child has come of age and joy at the prospect of having more personal time. Nevertheless, there may also be nagging doubts (“Did we raise her right?”), fear (“Is our kid really ready to go it alone?”), disappointment (“Why didn’t she marry that nice fellow John instead of this loser?”) and even guilt. One recent study shows that men in particular regret “not having spent more time with their children when they were younger.”

The ‘empty nest’ can also change your marriage. Some couples get along better. Others don’t. “Many marriages today end in separation or divorce when the children leave home,” say the authors of Ourselves and Our Children.

Too, your child’s departure often comes at a time in life already abundant in crises. Women experience the onset of menopause, which, according to one writer, “may feel to her like an unnecessary underlining of the statement ‘No more children for you.’” Men may face increasing job pressure or job dissatisfaction. Retirement may loom on the horizon. Inflation may have eroded family savings. Health may begin to fail. Seemingly stripped of parenthood, some even doubt their self-worth.

No wonder some parents doggedly refuse to let them go! The urge to hold on can seem irresistible. But saying good-bye does not have to mean losing your children. It means putting your relationship with them on a new footing and filling the void their departure has left in your life.

But how? And why is releasing them so vital to a healthy relationship with your grown children?

[Blurb on page 3]

“For the first time in my life I just cried and cried and cried”

“A Man Will Leave . . .”

“ONE day our son came home,” recalled Tom, “and you could tell something was on his mind. He sat down with my wife and me and said, ‘Well, folks. I’ve met the girl I’m going to marry.’”

God foresaw scenes like this when he said: “A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) Appreciate, therefore, that your child’s leaving is somewhat of an inevitability.

This, of course, does not mean that children should leave home prematurely. But as the psalmist said: “Like arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are the sons of youth.” Sooner or later the arrow leaves the quiver and is launched into life.​—Psalm 127:4.

Like a released arrow your adult child is basically removed from your jurisdiction after he leaves. When married, he becomes head of his own household. Your daughter comes under the authority of her husband.​—Ephesians 5:21-28, 33.

The Bible shows it may be hard for you to get used to this new independence, though. Jesus’ mother, for example, apparently felt she retained some authority over him​—even after he was grown and anointed as Messiah! At a wedding feast Mary said to Jesus, “They have no wine.” (Suggesting, ‘Do something about it.’) But in firm, yet kindly, words Jesus reminded her of his independence​—and performed his first miracle.​—John 2:2-11.

The patriarch Jacob also had trouble letting his son go. His beloved wife, Rachel, had died giving birth to the son he named Benjamin. You can imagine the emotional attachment he must have felt to this son! So when asked to let Benjamin go on a trip to Egypt, Jacob objected, “A fatal accident may befall him,” and kept him home.​—Genesis 35:16-18; 42:4.

But while it is normal to want to hold on, the wise course is to accept his adulthood and his independence.

“Look How You’re Hurting Me”

‘But must they go so far away?’ some parents object. ‘Why can’t they be independent and still live near us?’

It can hurt when such a move occurs. For example, the Bible says that Rebekah was asked to travel a considerable distance in order to get married. Her mother and brother pleaded: “Let the young woman [Rebekah] stay with us at least ten days. Afterward she can go.” How hard it was to let her go! Rebekah nevertheless said: “I am willing to go,” even though it may have meant her never seeing her family again.​—Genesis 24:55, 58.

Your grown child may also have a legitimate need to move far away, such as a job prospect. Undue resistance can be destructive. To illustrate, one young wife recalls: “When we first were married, we wanted to spend a lot of time together. But mother didn’t understand. Instead of letting go a little and letting us come to her, she started smothering us.” The situation further deteriorated when this couple planned to move away. This led to full-scale hostility between mother and daughter. “Where does it say that the obligation of honoring your father and mother is absolved when you take your vows to your husband? Where have I failed you as a mother?” the mother bitterly demanded. The effect of this battling? Besides causing serious marital strain for the young couple, a wedge was driven between mother and daughter. Communication was cut off for months! And they used to be so close.

The book No Strings Attached observes: “If you react to your child’s withdrawal through martyrdom (Look how you’re hurting me, see how you’re hurting your father/​mother, how can you do this to us), you will probably push your child further away.”​—Italics ours.

The father of the prodigal son in Jesus’ parable realized this. When his adult son demanded independence, the father did not berate or bombard him with threats of failure. Rather, he kindly let his son go. This understanding attitude likely was a big factor in the son’s eventually returning home. Consequently, letting your adult child ‘flex his muscles’ of independence may be the key to retaining your friendship with him.​—Luke 15:11-24; see also Philippians 2:4.

“What Does He See in Her?”

“You really want the best for your kids and when you see they have married well, you’re happy,” observes Norma. Her husband, Tom, adds: “I’ll be very frank. I didn’t feel that we were going to take all that time raising our daughter and just pass her off to the first person that came along.” Nevertheless, children at times bitterly disappoint their parents in their choice of a mate. How might you react?​—Compare Genesis 26:34, 35.

Would it not be best to put forth every effort to accept this new member of your family? Some studies indicate that parental approval may be a key factor in the survival of a marriage.a True, your child’s choice of a mate may surprise, or even baffle, you. Yet, marriage is honorable in the sight of God.​—Hebrews 13:4.

Rather than ‘straining the gnat’ and becoming obsessed with a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law’s faults, try to be objective. See him or her through your child’s eyes. Surely this person has good points! And remember, your own son or daughter is far from perfect. One parent who had doubted his child’s choice of a mate conceded: “One thing that helps is a certain amount of humility. I remembered one day that my parents hadn’t really approved of my marriage and how wrong they had been.”

A parent’s dislike of a child’s mate can be rooted more in jealousy​—fear of losing a child’s affection—​than in reality. But jealousy can destroy a good relationship. (Proverbs 14:30) So avoid alienating this new son or daughter. Get acquainted. Guard against attacking with unfair criticism, manufacturing issues or needlessly drawing battle lines. Let go a little, and “as far as it depends upon you, be peaceable.”​—Romans 12:18.

[Footnotes]

[Blurb on page 4]

But does your child’s departure mean that you are no longer a parent?

[Picture on page 5]

‘We wanted to spend a lot of time together. But instead of letting go a little, mother started smothering us’

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Parents do not always approve of their child’s choice of a mate

“You Never Stop Being a Parent”

AUTHOR John Updike once wrote: “Though the child be a sleek senator of seventy, and the parent a twisted hulk in a wheelchair, the wreck must still grapple with the ponderous sceptre of parenthood.” A father of three concurred: “You never stop being a parent. We still fuss and worry over the kids.”

Parents should not be cast aside just because the children are grown up. “Listen to your father who caused your birth,” says the Bible, “and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old.” (Proverbs 23:22) This counsel is not directed only to children because a person whose mother has “grown old” is likely an adult. So parents have years of experience and wisdom and thus have much to offer their grown children by way of advice and counsel.​—Proverbs 16:31.

‘But how do you “parent” an adult?’ you ask. ‘Very carefully,’ answer many parents. You see, your child’s adulthood may be shaky at first. While enjoying independence, your child may still want some nurturing and support. Such ambivalence can make him extremely sensitive to any advice. As one mother explains, this can put you on the horns of a dilemma: “I want them to feel they’re grown up, but yet I want them to feel I’m concerned about them too.”

Where do you draw the line between concern and meddling? And by what emotional sleight of hand can you trade the natural desire to nurture for subdued, controlled concern?

First, accept your changed role. You abandon your job as nursemaid when baby turns into toddler. Similarly, you must now trade the cherished role of caretaker for the role of adviser. Making decisions for your child at this stage of life would be as inappropriate as burping or breast-feeding him.

As adviser, you have definite limitations. No longer can you effectively appeal to your authority as parent. (‘Do it because I say so.’) There must be respect for your child’s adult status. This is not easy, though. Said one parent: “I have to be so careful what I say to my children. I have to walk on eggs to be sure I’m not hurting their feelings or interfering in their lives.” But must you watch your grown children plunge headlong into disaster without saying even a word?

One parent states: “On personal matters, I don’t interfere. Even if they’re wasting money, so what? It’s just money. But if one of my children were about to make a spiritual or moral mistake, I would freely give advice because I’m their father.” Is it not the responsibility of all Christians to “readjust” one about to take a “false step”?​—Galatians 6:1.

“I Was Only Trying to Help!”

Some, nonetheless, become meddlers rather than helpers. (1 Timothy 5:13) Because of a labyrinth of emotions​—love, fear, loneliness and legitimate concern—​some employ destructive strategies. For example, financial help may become outright bribery or a ploy to control. (‘Why should you move across town? We can lend you enough money to get a nice apartment right near us.’) There may be subtle sabotage. (‘Oh, please let me cook supper for you two tonight. After all, my son is used to my cooking.’) Or blatant interference. (‘You don’t want children yet? You want your mother and me to die before we see our grandchildren?’)

Beware of such manipulation! The book Getting Along With Your Grown-Up Children observes: “Parents who give money to their young adult and then spell out rigid conditions as to how it should be spent are really, unconsciously, using money as a bargaining agent with which to control the ‘child.’”

Squash the temptation to make endless, unrequested suggestions, which can turn a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law into an enemy. One writer even suggests that you resolve “never to tell your daughter-in-law what your son likes, how to cook his food, how to decorate his house, etc., unless you are clearly and explicitly asked.” Hold your suggestions until your children are a little more settled into marriage and thus less touchy.

“I think a lot of parents do things in reverse,” says Tom, father of two. “When they should have meddled in their lives they didn’t do it, and now that their kids have grown up, they want to meddle.” This raises a new question: How can you prepare your child for his eventual departure?

[Blurb on page 8]

“I want them to feel they’re grown up, but yet I want them to feel I’m concerned about them too”

[Picture on page 7]

You must trade the role of caretaker for that of adviser

[Picture on page 8]

Avoid being overly critical of your son-in-law or daughter-in-law

Are You Preparing Your Children for Their ‘Flight’?

THE majestic eagle makes a good parent. She takes an interest in her young, protects and feeds them. While her babies are little, she places food right in their mouths. As her young ones mature, she teaches them to feed themselves.

But to survive they must learn to fly. So she makes her young ones exercise their wings by playing a jumping game. And when they are ready, the eagle “stirs up its nest.” It lures and nudges the reluctant fledglings to the edge of the nest. Some eaglets bravely attempt to fly. Less courageous ones are unceremoniously shoved into the air! The mother, however, is ready to swoop under them and even ‘carry them on her pinions’​—only to drop them again until they learn to fly.​—Deuteronomy 32:11.

Tragically, many young adults are not at all ready for their “flight” into life. Dr. Richard C. Robertiello talks of the permissive child-rearing theories that became popular in the early 1950’s: “Parents went out of their way to be affectionate, demonstrative, indulgent of the child’s needs and very permissive about his behavior.”

While this approach had some success, the fruitage of these theories is a generation of adults who “do not seem to be able to choose a profession, to earn a decent living, to channel their . . . talents into some meaningful career.” Such ones “come to us therapists lost and floundering.” Why? “They were presented with a situation . . . essentially devoid of hardships, deprivations, and challenges . . . The parents promised them a rose garden where there was just an ordinary field that included a good many weeds.”

Life is by no means a “rose garden.” Unprepared children are “as sheep amidst wolves” in a vicious materialistic world. (Matthew 10:16) It is therefore imperative that you prepare your child for survival. But when should such training begin?

Training Children

Carmen, a mother of three, saw a need for early training and recalls: “When my son was just a few months old, I would train him to do things on his own. For example, I wouldn’t just pick him up. I would hold his little fingers and he would hold on while I raised him up.”

Children who are preschoolers even can learn duties such as ‘dressing, brushing their hair, washing themselves, putting away toys,’ according to Dr. Robertiello.

What about older children, though? The Bible shows that Joseph and David​—successful adults—​learned responsibility by performing various chores when young. (Genesis 37:2; 1 Samuel 16:11) Is such training still practical?

Bob and Mary, parents of three fine young men, say Yes! “We prepared our sons for life when they were little bitty guys.” And with a smile Bob says: “They all had paper routes, and I wouldn’t take them around in the car if the sky was falling! I said, ‘That’s your job and you’re responsible!’” But was this cruel and unusual punishment? Bob explains: “We provided their clothes, furnished their food and lodging. But we felt that if they wanted ‘extra’ they had to work for it.” Such training paid off. Bob adds: “Not long ago one of my grown sons came up and said: ‘Dad, thank you for bringing us up right.’”

Frank and Dawna likewise say: “We taught our boys everything! They can cook, paint, can, garden, lay cement blocks, shop.” Dawna further observes: “It’s easy for a mother to say, ‘I don’t have time to teach them. It’s easier to do it myself.’ But in the long run it pays to give them this training.”

On the other hand, children who are unnecessarily dependent on their parents can “turn into unmotivated, under-achieving students, dissatisfied and difficult employees, and impossible, demanding spouses,” according to Dr. Jerome Singer. Well did the Bible say in this regard: “If one is pampering one’s servant from youth on, in his later life he will even become a thankless one.”​—Proverbs 29:21.

Moral Values

Young adults also need a standard of right and wrong if they are to “fly” through today’s greedy, immoral, materialistic society unscathed. But how does one give such training?

Bob and Mary, mentioned earlier, are Jehovah’s Witnesses. They therefore saw the value of having a regular study of the Bible with their children. Was this easy to do? Admits Bob: “To sit down and have this study and make it interesting was hard. But we made it a regular routine.” Study was supplemented with wholesome association and recreation for the family. And working with their sons in the door-to-door preaching activity was of particular value. “We had some of our best conversations going from door to door,” recalls Mary.

The results of this hard work are heartwarming. All three sons are devoted servants of God. If you would like to institute a similar program for your family, Jehovah’s Witnesses would be pleased to let you know how it can be done. Don’t wait until they are teenagers or adults to give this life-giving education. Train them while they are young and responsive to your influence.

Parents who take the time to prepare their children for life can even feel happy about letting go.

[Blurb on page 9]

One of my grown sons said: “Dad, thank you for bringing us up right”

[Blurb on page 10]

“We had some of our best conversations going from door to door”

You Can Happily ‘Let Go’!

WE HAVE learned that the urge to nurture grown children is not so easily controlled. Releasing them can be difficult. It can mean holding your breath (and tongue) as your children plunge into life. You have to shelve your image of them as cuddly babies and accept them as adults. You need to let them make their own decisions and mistakes, while letting them know you will still be there if they need you.

You will always be a parent and you will never stop caring for or worrying about your children. But your concern should be tempered by your acceptance of their independence and the knowledge that you have trained them and instilled moral values in them. You can be confident they will succeed!

So you need not panic at the specter of the empty nest. Letting go of your children merely opens new vistas, new opportunities, even a chance to put a new spark in your marriage. The house will seem empty for a while. After years of caring for a family, you will have to make some adjustments.

But life has not ended. You have merely come full circle. First there were only you and your mate. Then came children in rapid succession. The years passed quickly, far more quickly than you could ever have imagined. And now, one by one, the youngsters have grown up and left. You are right back where you started; alone with the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. But your mate was there before your children were even conceived and should still be very dear to your heart.

Get reacquainted with your mate. Why, “you can just walk up and kiss your wife by the kitchen sink anytime,” says one father, which “you maybe couldn’t do when the kids were there.” Now you have more time to talk, to travel, to enjoy one another. You may even be able to expand your service to God.

Even widowed or single parents need not be crushed by loneliness. “Do things for others!” urges Carmen. “I could sit in a corner crying over my husband’s death,” she says, “but I’ve learned to keep busy. I look forward to inviting people over and encouraging others.”

‘But I’m afraid my children will forget me!’ you cry. There is no need to feel that way. Alone and struggling to make a living, your children will often think about home and the warm love shown them there. They will make phone calls from time to time and let you know how they are doing. They might even request your sage advice. And occasionally, they will visit; not as much as you would like, but enough to prove they still love you.

Because you have loved your children enough to let them go you really have not lost them. The fire of love you kindled in their hearts will not die out​—unless you smother it. Unselfish love is unbreakable and will grow, regardless of distance. “Love never fails.”​—1 Corinthians 13:8.

One appreciative son, away from home and about to get married, thus assured his parents: “I want you all to know that I love you very much and miss you. But the Bible says that a man will leave his father and his mother. I’m going to do my best to carry on the family name up here and make it a respected name. When Kelly and I become one, we’re going to visit regularly.” And that’s the way it should be.

[Picture on page 11]

Use visits as occasions to show your love for one another

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Get reacquainted with your mate now that you have more time alone