CHILD DEVELOPMENT—HOW WILL YOU AIM THE ARROW?

23. What principles about child training are implied at Psalm 127:4, 5?

²³ “Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How happy is the man whose quiver is filled with them!” (Psalm 127:4, 5, An American Translation) The value of an arrow is determined by how well it is aimed as it leaves the bow. An arrow must be aimed with care and skill so that it will hit the target. In like manner, it is vital that, as parents, you wisely and prayerfully ponder on the kind of start in life you will give to your child. Will he or she on leaving your care become a balanced and mature adult, respected by others and an honor to God?

24. (a) What kind of home environment should parents strive to make for their children? (b) Why is this important?

²⁴ Decisions should be made before the baby’s arrival as to its care and training. The parents basically are the firstborn baby’s whole world. What will that world be like? Will it show that the parents have taken to heart this counsel from God’s Word: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness. But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another just as God also by Christ freely forgave you”? (Ephesians 4:31, 32) Whatever the homelife is, it will be reflected in the infant child. Strive to make your baby’s world one of peace and security, of warmth and love. The baby that is cherished will absorb these qualities and they will shape its emotions accordingly. Your feelings will be sensed, your examples followed. The genetic laws of our Creator made marvelous provisions for the baby’s development in the womb; how will you shape it outside the womb? So much depends on the home conditions you provide. This, as much as the genes, determines what kind of adult the baby will become. “Train up a boy according to the way for him; even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.”—Proverbs 22:6.

25, 26. Why is it reasonable for parents to give much time and attention to their children?

²⁵ Neither man nor woman can produce a single blade of grass, but together they can produce another human, one of infinite complexity and different from any other person on the earth! An amazing accomplishment, so amazing that it is hard to believe that so many today fail to appreciate the sacredness of the responsibility that goes with it! People will plant flowers, water them, fertilize them, keep them free of weeds—all to get a beautiful garden. Should we not take far more time and exert more effort to make children become beautiful?

²⁶ A married couple have a right to have children. Their children have a corresponding right to have parents, not just in name but in fact. A Christian dedicated to God may spend much time and energy in sharing Bible knowledge in the hope of making one disciple, and yet not always succeed. Should not Christian parents spend even more time to ‘bring up their own children in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah’? (Ephesians 6:4) If they rear one child to be a fine servant of the Giver of life, Jehovah God, is that not cause for great rejoicing? Then, indeed, their having given birth to that son or daughter will prove to be richly rewarded.—Proverbs 23:24, 25.

27. In guiding the development of a child, why should the child’s own personality be considered?

²⁷ Psalm 128:3 likens children to olive plants: “Your wife will be like a fruit-bearing vine in the innermost parts of your house. Your sons will be like slips of olive trees all around your table.” Trees may be shaped in different ways by training them. Some are made to grow flat against a wall. Others spread out low over the ground. Some are even made small and stunted by trimming their roots and cramping them, as in the case of a bonsai. An old saying emphasizes how early training will also shape a child: “The way the twig is bent is the way the tree will grow.” A sense of balance is needed here. On the one hand, the child needs guiding so that it will conform to righteous standards. At the same time it should not be expected to conform to some preconceived ideal the parents have as to the exact personality it should display. You cannot make an olive tree bear figs. Train your child in right ways but do not force it into a predetermined mold that will not allow its distinctive personality and inherited gifts to find normal expression. Give yourself time to come to know this child you have produced. Then, as with a tender young tree, give your child guidance that is strong enough to protect and support it in a right direction, yet gentle enough not to cramp the child’s development to its full capacity for good.

A REWARD FROM JEHOVAH

28. How can we benefit from what Genesis 33:5, 13, 14 says about Jacob’s concern for his children?

²⁸ Jacob of ancient times showed his concern for the care of his children. When a journey was proposed, the pace of which might have been too much for them, Jacob said to the one making the proposal: “My lord is aware that the children are delicate and sheep and cattle that are giving suck are in my charge, and should they drive them too quickly for one day, then the whole flock will certainly die. Let my lord, please, pass on ahead of his servant, but may I myself continue the journey at my leisure according to the pace of the livestock that is before me and according to the pace of the children.” When meeting his brother, Esau, earlier he was asked, “Who are these with you?” Jacob’s response was, “The children with whom God has favored your servant.” (Genesis 33:5, 13, 14) Parents today should not only show merciful consideration to their children as Jacob did, but also view them as he did—as a favor from Jehovah. Of course, before getting married, a man should weigh seriously whether he can support a wife and children. The Bible counsels: “First put all in order out of doors and make everything ready on the land; then establish your house and home.” (Proverbs 24:27, New English Bible) In harmony with this practical advice, a man should make preparations for marriage and family life beforehand. Then, even an unplanned pregnancy will be greeted with joy and not dreaded as a financial burden.

29. Why should the matter of having children be given serious advance consideration?

²⁹ The matter of having children clearly merits being considered very seriously, not only as regards the firstborn but also for any thereafter. Are parents finding it difficult to feed, care for and train the children they already have? Then for their Creator as well as the quality of love should certainly move them to ponder what self-control they can exercise to slow down further increase in the family.

30. (a) Why can we say that a child really belongs to God? (b) How should this affect the viewpoint of parents?

³⁰ Really, whose child is it? Yours, in one sense. But, in another sense, the child belongs to the Creator. You are entrusted with its care, just as your parents were entrusted with your care as a child. But you were not actually your parents’ property to be treated in just any way they might please; nor is your child your property in that sense. Parents cannot direct or control the moment of conception nor the development of the child in the womb. They cannot even see or fully understand the marvelous processes involved. (Psalm 139:13, 15; Ecclesiastes 11:5) If some physical imperfection causes a miscarriage or a stillbirth, they cannot bring the dead child to life. Thus, we need to recognize humbly that God is the Life-Giver of us all, and we all belong to him: “To Jehovah belong the earth and that which fills it, the productive land and those dwelling in it.”—Psalm 24:1.

31, 32. (a) What responsibility before God do parents have? (b) What results from caring properly for that responsibility?

³¹ You are responsible for the children you bring into the world and also accountable to the Creator as to how you rear them. He created the earth, purposed that it be inhabited, and equipped our first human parents with procreative power to accomplish that purpose. Their defection from him placed them on the side of the Adversary who challenged God’s rightful exercise of his sovereignty over his family of creatures in heaven and on earth. By training your children to grow up as persons of integrity to their Creator, you and your family can prove that Adversary false and Jehovah God true. As Proverbs 27:11 states: “Be wise, my son, and make my heart rejoice, that I may make a reply to him that is taunting me.”

³² Fulfilling your obligation to your children, together with your responsibility to God, can bring you a sense of true accomplishment in life. You will be able to join in wholehearted appreciation of the saying of Psalm 127:3: “The fruitage of the belly is a reward.”

Chapter 8

Your Role as Parents

1-3. (a) What effect can the birth of a baby have on parents? (b) Why is it important for both father and mother to understand their roles as parents?

IN LIFE many events affect us to a very limited degree. Others have a major and lasting effect. The birth of a child is clearly one of the latter. For a husband and wife, life will never be the same thereafter. Though very small, the new personality in the home will make itself felt with a voice and a presence that cannot be ignored.

² Life for the parents should be richer and happier. But it does present a challenge, and, for the finest results, that challenge needs to be met by both parents. It took both of you to produce the child, and both of you will play a vital role in your baby’s development from birth onward. The need for sincere, united—and humble—cooperation was never greater.

³ Understanding the role of each parent and how these roles can harmonize should help greatly in meeting the needs of your baby, producing happy results. Balance is needed. Even though the mind strives to be reasonable, emotions often push things off balance. We may tend to go to extremes, from too little to too much, and back again to too little. It is desirable for the father to exercise his headship, but, if he overdoes it, he becomes overbearing. It is good for the mother to share in training and disciplining the children, but to take over these duties to the exclusion of the father undermines the family structure. Good is good, but a good thing may become bad if carried to an extreme.—Philippians 4:5.

THE MOTHER’S CRUCIAL ROLE

4. What are some things that a baby needs from its mother?

⁴ A newborn baby is totally dependent on its mother for its immediate needs. If she lovingly supplies these needs the baby feels secure. (Psalm 22:9, 10) It must be well fed and kept clean and warm; but supplying physical needs is not enough. Emotional needs are just as important. If the baby does not receive love, it becomes insecure. A mother can soon learn to tell how great the need really is when her infant calls for attention. But if its cries are consistently ignored it may become ill. If it is emotionally deprived over a period of time it may be stunted emotionally for the rest of its life.

5-7. According to recent research, how is a baby affected by its mother’s love and attention?

⁵ Experiments in many different places have confirmed this fact: Babies become sick and even die if deprived of love, as expressed through talking and touching, stroking and cuddling. (Compare Isaiah 66:12; 1 Thessalonians 2:7.) Though others may do this, the mother, in whose womb the baby came to life and was nurtured for the first months of life, is beyond all question the one most logically suited to do this. There is a natural interaction that takes place between mother and child. Her instinctive desire to hold the newborn baby close to her is matched by the infant’s instinctive searching for her breast.

⁶ Research has shown that the brain of an infant is very active and that mental development is promoted when its senses of feeling, hearing, seeing and smelling are stimulated. When an infant nurses, it perceives the warmth and smell of the mother’s skin. It looks almost continuously at her face as she feeds it. It hears not only her voice as she talks or sings to it but also her heartbeat, a sound that it heard while yet in the womb. In a Norwegian publication, child psychologist Anne-Marit Duve observes:

“Since the activity of the pupils clearly shows the degree of brain activity, we have reason to believe that a high degree of skin stimulation, a high degree of contact—not the least the contact connected with nursing—can stimulate the mental activity, which in turn can lead to greater intellectual capacity in adulthood.”

⁷ So, when the baby frequently feels the mother’s touch, as she picks it up, cuddles it or bathes and dries it, the stimulation it receives plays an important part in its development and what it will be like in later life. While getting up at night and spending time in soothing a crying infant may not be the most enjoyable pastime, the knowledge of the later benefits can compensate considerably for the loss of sleep.

LEARNING LOVE BY BEING LOVED

8-10. (a) What does a baby learn from its mother’s love? (b) Why is this important?

⁸ The baby’s being loved is vitally important for its emotional development. It learns to love by being loved, by exposure to examples of love. Speaking of love for God, 1 John 4:19 says, “We love, because he first loved us.” The initial lessons in love fall mainly to the mother. A mother bends over a baby in its bed, puts her hand on its chest and jiggles it gently as she puts her face close to the baby’s and says, ‘I see you! I see you!’ The baby, of course, doesn’t know the words (which really aren’t particularly logical anyway). But it wriggles and coos with delight, for it recognizes that the playful hand and the tone of voice are clearly saying to it, ‘I love you! I love you!’ It is reassured and feels secure.

⁹ Babies and small children who are shown love appreciate it, and, in imitation of that love, they practice it, putting small arms around the mother’s neck and giving enthusiastic kisses. They are pleased with the heartwarming emotional response they reap from their mother as a result. They begin to learn the vital lesson that there is happiness in giving love as well as in receiving it, that by sowing love they reap it in return. (Acts 20:35; Luke 6:38) Evidence shows that if an early attachment to the mother is not made, later on the child may find it very difficult to make deep attachments and commitments to others.

¹⁰ Since children start learning immediately after birth, the first few years are the most vital ones. During those years the mother’s love is crucial. If she succeeds in showing and teaching love—not indulgence—she can do lasting good; if she fails she can do lasting harm. Being a good mother is one of the most challenging and rewarding jobs a woman can have. Despite all its strains and demands, what “career” occupation that the world offers can begin to approach it in significance and lasting satisfaction?

THE VITAL ROLE OF THE FATHER

11. (a) How can the father establish his role in the child’s mind? (b) Why is this vital?

¹¹ It is natural that in early infancy the mother plays a more prominent role in the child’s life. But from the baby’s birth onward the father should also be a part of the baby’s world. Even when the child is still an infant, the father can and should get involved, caring for the baby at times, playing with it, comforting it when it cries. In this way the father gets established in the child’s mind. The father’s role should gradually come to take on greater prominence as time passes. If he waits too long to begin, it can be the start of a problem that surfaces especially when the child becomes a teen-ager and discipline becomes more difficult. The teen-age son especially may need his father’s help. But if a good relationship has not been established before, the gulf produced over a period of years cannot be bridged in a few weeks.

12, 13. (a) What is the father’s role in the family? (b) How can a father’s fulfilling his responsibilities in the right way affect his children’s view of authority?

¹² Whether the child is a boy or a girl, the influence of the father’s masculine qualities can make a vital contribution to the development of a rounded-out, balanced personality. God’s Word shows that the father is to be the head of the family. He is responsible to provide materially for them. (1 Corinthians 11:3; 1 Timothy 5:8) Yet, “not by bread alone does man live but by every expression of Jehovah’s mouth does man live.” As regards his children, the father is also commanded to “go on bringing them up in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.” (Deuteronomy 8:3; Ephesians 6:4) While natural affection for his offspring should motivate him, it is, above all, a sense of responsibility to his Creator that should move him to do his best to fulfill the divine commission that is his.

¹³ Along with the warmth, tenderness and compassion that a mother expresses, the father can contribute a stabilizing influence, one of strength and of wise direction. The way he handles his God-given assignment can have a marked effect on his children’s later attitude toward authority, both human and divine, as to whether they respect it and how well they can work under another’s direction without chafing or rebelling.

14. What effect can the father’s good example have on his son or daughter?

¹⁴ If he has a son, the father’s example and handling of matters can do much to determine whether the boy grows up to be a weak, indecisive person, or one who is manly, steady, showing courage of conviction and a willingness to shoulder responsibility. It can affect the kind of husband or father the son eventually becomes—a rigid, unreasoning, harsh one, or one who is balanced, discerning and kind. If there is a daughter in the family, her father’s influence and relationship can affect her whole outlook on the male sex and either contribute to or hinder her future success in marriage. The effect of this paternal influence begins from infancy.

15, 16. (a) What responsibility of teaching does the Bible place on a father? (b) How can this be discharged?

¹⁵ The extensiveness of the father’s responsibility to teach is shown in God’s instructions to his people at Deuteronomy 6:6, 7: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.”

¹⁶ Not just the words themselves that are found in God’s Word but also the message they convey must be impressed daily on the child’s mind. Opportunities are always there. Flowers in a garden, insects in the air, birds or squirrels in the trees, seashells on the beach, pinecones in the mountains, stars twinkling in the night sky—all these wonders speak of the Creator, and you should interpret to your children the meaning of their utterances. The psalmist says: “The heavens are declaring the glory of God; and of the work of his hands the expanse is telling. One day after another day causes speech to bubble forth, and one night after another night shows forth knowledge.” (Psalm 19:1, 2) By being alert to use these things, and especially to draw upon the daily affairs of life in illustrating and emphasizing right principles and in showing the wisdom and benefit of God’s counsel, the father can build up in the mind and heart of his child the most essential basis for the future: the conviction not only that God is, but that ‘he rewards those who earnestly seek him.’—Hebrews 11:6.

17, 18. (a) How should a father discipline his children? (b) What is more effective than the making of many rules?

¹⁷ Discipline is also part of the father’s role. “What son is he that a father does not discipline?” is the question asked at Hebrews 12:7. But it is his obligation to do this in a way that does not go to extremes, overcorrecting to the point of irritation or even harassment. To fathers, God’s Word says, “Do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.” (Colossians 3:21) Restrictions are necessary, but sometimes we can multiply and expand rules until they become burdensome and discouraging.

¹⁸ The Pharisees of ancient times were lovers of rules; they accumulated heaps of them and produced crops of hypocrites. It is a human failing to think that problems can be solved simply by making additional rules; but life’s experiences make plain that reaching the heart is the real key. So be sparing on rules; try instead to instill principles, aiming in the direction that God himself does: “I will put my laws in their mind, and in their hearts I shall write them.”—Hebrews 8:10.

FATHER AND MOTHER ARE PARTNERS

19. What might be done to ensure good communication in the home?

¹⁹ The father usually makes the living, and when he comes home from work he may be tired, and he still may have other duties to perform. But he should make time for his wife and for his children. He must communicate with his family, set aside time for family discussions and family projects, for family fun or outings. In this way family unity and solidarity are built up. Perhaps before the children came he and his wife spent much time outside the home. But for them to keep on in that way, running here and there and possibly keeping late hours, would not be living up to the responsibility of parenthood. It would be very unfair to their offspring. Sooner or later, the parents would pay the price for their lack of regularity and of responsibility. Like adults, children fare better when their life has a basic stability and regularity; this contributes to mental, physical and emotional health. The daily routine of family life will have its full complement of ups and downs without parents needlessly adding to these.—Compare Matthew 6:34; Colossians 4:5.

20. When it comes to disciplining children, what can parents do so that they will be united in their efforts?

²⁰ The father and the mother should cooperate in dealing with the children, teaching them, setting limits for them, disciplining them, loving them. ‘A house divided against itself cannot stand.’ (Mark 3:25) Parents do well to discuss the discipline to be followed; they can then avoid having their children witness any disunity regarding discipline. To do otherwise could invite the children to try to ‘divide and conquer.’ True, it may happen that on some occasion a parent will react hastily or in anger and administer discipline that is extreme, or, when all the facts are considered, perhaps was really not called for at all. It may be possible for the parents to talk about it privately and then the parent who acted unwisely may choose personally to rectify matters with the child. Or, where this private talk is not possible, the parent who feels that to support the mate would mean supporting an injustice may say something like, ‘I understand why you feel angry, and I would feel the same way. But there may be something you weren’t aware of, and that is . . .’ thereafter clarifying whatever may have been overlooked. This can have a calming influence without showing division or disagreement in the presence of the disciplined child. As the inspired proverb says: “By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom.”—Proverbs 13:10; see also Ecclesiastes 7:8.

21. Should discipline be left up to only one parent? Why or why not?

²¹ The Hebrew Scriptures show disciplining to be a dual role: “Listen, my son, to the discipline of your father, and do not forsake the law of your mother.” The Christian Greek Scriptures do likewise: “Children, be obedient to your parents in union with the Lord, for this is righteous.” Sometimes the father views disciplining the children as his wife’s job. Or, a wife may take the opposite view and do no more than threaten a misbehaving child with ‘Just wait till your father gets home!’ But if there is to be family happiness, and each parent is to receive the children’s love and respect, the duty needs to be shared.—Proverbs 1:8; Ephesians 6:1.

22. What should be avoided when handling a child’s requests, and why?

²² Children need to see their parents’ united cooperation in this and the willingness of each to shoulder his or her responsibility. If a begging child always hears his father say, ‘Go ask your mother,’ or the mother invariably passes the decision back to the father, then the parent who finds that the request requires him (or her) to answer “No” is cast in the role of villain. Of course, there may be circumstances where the father may say, ‘Yes, you can go outside for a while—but check first with your mother to see when supper will be ready.’ Or the mother at times may feel that, while some request does not seem objectionable to her, her husband should express himself on the matter. But both will be alert to see that in no way do they encourage or allow the child to pit one parent against the other to gain his objective. The wise wife will also guard against using her share of authority in a competitive way, trying through indulgence to gain the major share of the child’s affection at her husband’s expense.

23. In a family, is decision-making necessarily limited to the father?

²³ Actually, in family decisions each member may have areas where his decision merits special consideration. The father has the responsibility of deciding on questions involving the overall welfare of the family, often deciding these after discussion with the others and giving consideration to their wishes and preferences. The mother may make the decisions regarding the kitchen and many other household matters. (Proverbs 31:11, 27) As they grow up, children might be allowed to make certain decisions about their play areas, some choice of clothing, or some other personal things. But there should be enough parental oversight to see that sound principles are followed, the children’s safety is not endangered and the rights of others are not infringed upon. This can give children a gradual start in decision-making.

IS HONORING YOU PARENTS EASY?

24. The fact that children are to honor their father and their mother places what responsibility on parents?

²⁴ Children are told, “Honor your father and your mother.” (Ephesians 6:2; Exodus 20:12) For them to do this is also honoring God’s commandment. Do you make it easy for them? Wife, you are told to honor and respect your husband. Isn’t it very hard for you to do so if he makes little or no effort to live up to what God’s Word requires of him? Husband, you are to cherish and honor your wife as your loved helpmate. Isn’t it difficult, if she is not helpful? Make it easy then for your children to obey God’s command that they honor you, their parents. Earn their respect by providing a peaceful home, a good set of standards, good examples in your own conduct, sound teaching and training, and loving discipline when needed.

25. What problems can arise when parents are not united as to how the children should be trained?

²⁵ “Two are better than one,” observed King Solomon, “because they have a good reward for their hard work.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9) When two people walk together and one falls, the other is there to help him up. So, too, in the family the husband and wife can support and encourage each other in their respective roles. In so many areas of parenthood those roles overlap, and this is good for the unity of the family. Children should bring the parents closer together, uniting them in a common training work. But sometimes divisive questions may arise over how the child is to be trained and disciplined. Sometimes a wife showers so much attention on the child that her husband feels neglected, even resentful. This can affect his attitude toward the child. He may be cool toward it, or he may, instead, shower affection on it but lessen his attention to his wife. A high price is paid when the husband or the wife gets off balance.

26. What might be done to keep an older child from feeling jealous when the mother must devote much of her time to a new baby?

²⁶ Yet another problem may arise when a new baby arrives and there is already an older child. The mother must spend a great deal of time with the new baby. To keep the older child from feeling neglected and jealous, the father might give extra attention to the older child.

27. When one of the marriage mates is an unbeliever, how can children be helped spiritually?

²⁷ Certainly two are better than one, but one is better than none. It may be that the mother is the one who, by circumstance, must bring up the children without a father’s help. Or, the father may face this same challenge. Many times homes are religiously divided, in that one parent, as a servant of Jehovah God, has full faith in the counsel of the Bible, and the other parent does not. Where the dedicated Christian is the husband, he, as the family head, has more control of the course to be followed in the training and disciplining of the children. Nevertheless, he may need to show great patience, self-control and endurance; he should be firm where a serious issue exists, yet reasonable and kind even though under provocation, and be flexible wherever circumstances will allow. If the believer is the wife, and hence subject to the husband, the way she proceeds will depend greatly on his attitude. Is he merely not interested in the Bible, or does he oppose his wife’s practice of her beliefs and her endeavors to teach them to the children? If he opposes her, she must depend on the course the apostle outlined: By the wife’s exemplary care of her duties and her respectful attitude, her husband “may be won without a word.” She will also use what opportunities are available to her to train her children in Bible principles.—1 Peter 3:1-4.

THE HOME ENVIRONMENT

28, 29. What kind of home environment is desirable, and why?

²⁸ The role of both parents is to provide a home atmosphere of love. If this is felt by the children, their uncertainties or mistakes will not pile up inside of them because they are afraid to tell their parents. They know they can communicate and be understood, and that matters will be handled with loving concern. (Compare 1 John 4:17-19; Hebrews 4:15, 16.) Home will be not only a shelter but also a haven. Parental affection will make the children’s spirits grow and flourish.

²⁹ You cannot put a sponge into vinegar and expect it to fill with water. It can absorb only what surrounds it. The sponge will absorb water only if it is submerged in it. Children, too, absorb their surroundings. They sense the attitudes and observe the things practiced around them, and these they absorb like sponges. Children sense your feelings, whether these are nervous tensions or relaxed peacefulness. Even babies absorb the qualities of the home atmosphere, so one of faith, love, spirituality and reliance on Jehovah God is invaluable.

30. What questions might parents ask themselves to determine whether they are providing fine guidance for their children?

³⁰ Ask yourself: What standards do you expect your child to meet? Do both of you parents measure up to them? What does your family stand for? What kind of examples for the child are you? Do you complain, find fault, criticize others, dwell on negative thoughts? Is that the kind of children you want? Or, do you have high standards for your family, live up to them, and expect your children to do likewise? Do they understand that to belong to this family certain requirements are to be met, certain conduct is acceptable, and certain actions and attitudes are not? Children want to feel the security of belonging, so let them feel your approval and acceptance when they meet the family standards. People have a way of living up to what is expected of them. Rate your child bad and he’ll probably prove you right. Expect good from him, and you encourage him to live up to that.

31. What should always back up parental direction?

³¹ People are judged by their actions more than by their words. Children, too, may not give as much attention to words as to actions and they are often alert to detect any hypocrisy. Too many words may confuse children. Make sure your words are backed up by your practice of them.—1 John 3:18.

32. Whose counsel should always be followed?

³² Whether you are a father or a mother, your role is a challenging one. But the challenge can be met with happy results by following the counsel of the Giver of life. Carry out your assigned role conscientiously, as unto Him. (Colossians 3:17) Avoid extremes, keep your balance and “let your reasonableness become known to all,” including your children.—Philippians 4:5.

[Picture on page 100]

The mother’s look and touch and tone of voice tell her baby, “I love you”

[Picture on page 104]

Do you plan activities with your children?

Chapter 9

Training Children from Infancy

1-4. What evidence is there that a young child has tremendous capacity for learning?

THE mind of a newborn child has been compared to a page on which nothing is written. Actually, many impressions were made on the infant’s mind even while it was in its mother’s womb. And certain personality traits are indelibly written into it through genetic inheritance. But an enormous capacity for learning is there from the moment of birth onward. Rather than a single page, it is as if a whole library were waiting to receive the imprints of information on its pages.

² A baby’s brain at birth is only one fourth the weight it will be in adulthood. But the brain grows so rapidly that in just two years it reaches three fourths of its adult weight! Intellectual growth keeps pace. Researchers say that a child’s intelligence grows as much during the first four years of life as during the next thirteen. In fact, some state that “the concepts the child learns before his fifth birthday are among the most difficult he’ll ever encounter.”

³ Such basic concepts as right and left, up and down, full and empty, as well as comparative degrees of size and weight all seem so natural to us. But a child must learn these and a host of other concepts. The very concept of speech must be implanted and established in the baby’s mind.

⁴ Language is rated by some as “probably the most difficult intellectual accomplishment a human being is ever called upon to perform.” If you have ever struggled to learn a new language you will likely agree. But you at least have the advantage of knowing how language works. A baby does not, and yet its mind is capable of grasping the concept of language and putting it to work. Not only that, but children of tender years living in bilingual homes or areas may even speak two languages with ease—before they have even begun to go to school! So, the intelligence is there, waiting to be developed.

THE TIME TO START IS RIGHT AWAY!

5. How soon should the training of a child begin?

⁵ Writing to his companion Timothy, the apostle Paul reminded him that he had known the holy writings “from infancy.” (2 Timothy 3:15) It is a wise parent who recognizes an infant’s natural hunger to learn. Babies are very observant, all eyes and ears. Whether parents are aware of it or not, little ones are busy taking in information, filing it away, adding to it, drawing conclusions. Actually, if parents are not cautious, in a short time the infant may learn remarkably well just how to manipulate them according to its wishes. So, the admonition given in God’s Word applies from birth onward: “Train up a boy according to the way for him; even when he grows old he will not turn aside from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) The first lessons, of course, are as to love, with lots of loving care and affection. But along with this must come necessary correction applied gently but firmly.

6. (a) With what kind of speech is it best to talk to a child? (b) What view should be taken of the many questions that a child may raise?

⁶ Talk to the infant, not in “baby talk” but in simple grown-up speech, which is what you want it to learn. When the small child learns to talk he will deluge you with questions: ‘Why does it rain? Where did I come from? Where do the stars go in daytime? What are you doing? Why this? Why that?’ On they come, endlessly! Listen to them, for questions are among a child’s best tools for learning. Stifling the questions can stifle mental development.

7. How might a young child’s questions best be answered, and why?

⁷ But remember, as did the apostle, that “when I was a babe, I used to speak as a babe, to think as a babe, to reason as a babe.” (1 Corinthians 13:11) Answer the questions as best you can, but simply and briefly. When a child asks, ‘Why does it rain?’ it doesn’t want a complicated, detailed answer. Some reply such as, ‘The clouds get heavy with water and the water falls,’ may satisfy. A child’s attention span is short; it quickly moves on to other fields. So just as you give the child milk until it progresses to solid foods, give it simple information until it can understand more detailed knowledge.—Compare Hebrews 5:13, 14.

8, 9. What could be done to teach a child progressively how to read?

⁸ Learning should be progressive. As mentioned, Timothy was acquainted with the Scriptures from infancy. Evidently his very earliest recollections from childhood included being taught from the Bible. Surely this was progressive, much as a father or mother today would begin teaching a child to read. Read to your child. When he is an infant, take him in your lap, with your arm around him and read in a pleasant voice. He will have a warm feeling of security and joy, and the reading will be a pleasant experience, regardless of how little he comprehends. Later, you may teach him the alphabet, as a game perhaps. Then make words, and eventually form the words into sentences. And make the process of learning a joy, as far as possible.

⁹ One couple, for example, would read aloud with their three-year-old child, pointing out each word for the child to follow as they went along. At certain words they would pause, and the child would supply the word, such as “God,” “Jesus,” “man,” “tree.” Gradually the words he was able to read increased, and at four years of age he was reading most of the words. Along with reading comes writing, first individual letters, and then complete words. To write his own name thrills a child!

10. Why is it wise to aid each child to develop its own potential?

¹⁰ Each child is different, with a unique personality, and should be helped to develop in harmony with its individual inherited potential and gifts. If you train each child to develop its inherited strengths and abilities, it will not need to feel envy at the accomplishments of other children. Each child should be loved and appreciated for itself. While helping it to overcome or control wrong inclinations, you should not try to force the child into a predetermined mold. Rather, guide it to the best use of its own good personality traits.

11. Why is it unwise to compare one child unfavorably with another?

¹¹ A parent can foster a spirit of selfish competition by implying either the superiority or the inferiority of one child as compared with another. Whereas little children early in life show signs of inborn selfishness, they are initially free from ideas of rank, superiority, and feelings of self-importance. That is why Jesus could use a little child as an example to correct the spirit of ambition and concern for personal importance his disciples showed on a certain occasion. (Matthew 18:1-4) So, avoid comparing one child unfavorably with another. The child may take this as a rejection. First it will feel hurt, and if this treatment continues, it will likely turn hostile. On the other hand, the child presented as superior may become haughty and incur the dislike of others. As a parent, your love and acceptance should never be dependent upon how one child compares with another. Variety is delightful. An orchestra has many different kinds of instruments to add variety and richness, yet all are in harmony. Different personalities add flavor and interest to the family circle, yet harmony will not be impaired when all pattern themselves after their Creator’s right principles.

HELP YOUR CHILD TO GROW

12. What facts about adults demonstrate that a child needs proper direction?

¹² God’s Word says that ‘it does not belong to man that walks to direct his steps.’ (Jeremiah 10:23) Men say it does. So they refuse divine direction, accept human direction, walk into one difficulty after another, and end up proving God true after all. Jehovah God says there is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death. (Proverbs 14:12) Men have long taken the way that seemed right to them, and it has led to war, famine, sickness and death. If the way that seems right to a grown, experienced man ends in death, how can the way that seems right to a child end elsewhere? If it does not belong to man that walks to direct his steps, how can it belong to the child that toddles to direct his way of life? The Creator provides directions for both parent and child through His Word.

13, 14. How might parents instruct children, in harmony with the admonition found at Deuteronomy 6:6, 7?

¹³ To parents, God says: “These words that I am commanding you today must prove to be on your heart; and you must inculcate them in your son and speak of them when you sit in your house and when you walk on the road and when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6, 7) At any and all times, whenever suitable opportunities present themselves, instruction should be given. If the family breakfasts together, even though for many the morning may be a rush time with getting ready for work or school, an expression of thanks for food will direct thoughts toward the Creator and can include other points of spiritual value to the family. Time may allow for some comment about the day’s coming activities or about school and sound counsel on coping with problems that may likely arise. Bedtime, “when you lie down,” can be a happy time for little children if parents give them some extra attention then. Bedtime stories can mean a lot to little ones and can be a fine means of teaching. The Bible is filled with material that only needs some parental ingenuity and warmth to make it very enjoyable to the child. Personal experiences from your own life will have special appeal to your children and can bring home some fine lessons. And though it may seem a challenge to find new stories to relate, often you will find that the child likes to hear the same ones over and over again. You may find that, by taking this extra time, the lines of communication with your children will be made far more open. Prayer with little ones at bedtime can also help establish early communication with the One who can do the most to guide and protect them.—Ephesians 3:20; Philippians 4:6, 7.

¹⁴ Wherever you are, ‘sitting at home’ or traveling ‘on the road,’ there are opportunities for you to train your child in ways that are interesting and effective. For children, some of this can be in the form of a game. One couple gave this account of how this worked out in helping children recall points from a meeting for Bible study:

‘One evening we took a little boy with us who is six years old and usually not very attentive at the meetings. While going to the hall, I said: “Let’s play a game. On the way home let’s see if we can remember the songs sung and some of the main points covered in the meeting.” Going home we were amazed. The youngest boy, who is usually inattentive, was given first chance to talk and he recalled many of the points. Our children then added their comments and finally we two adults commented. Instead of work, it was fun to them.’

15. How might a child be encouraged to better his accomplishments?

¹⁵ As a child grows older he will learn to express ideas, draw things, do some work, play some music on an instrument. He feels a sense of accomplishment. His work is, in a sense, an extension of himself. It is very personal to him. If you look at it and say ‘Well done,’ the child’s spirits soar. Find something in his work that you can sincerely praise, and he will be encouraged. Criticize it bluntly, and he will likely wilt and lose heart. Raise a question about a certain aspect of it if need be, but do not let it come as a rejection of his work. For example, rather than taking his own drawing and redoing it, you might demonstrate some improvement on another piece of paper. This allows him to adjust his own drawing if he wishes to. By encouraging his effort you encourage his growth; by harshly criticizing him, you may dishearten him or smother his desire to keep trying. Yes, the principle at Galatians 6:4 can also apply to children: “Let him prove what his own work is, and then he will have cause for exultation in regard to himself alone, and not in comparison with the other person.” A child, especially for his first efforts, needs encouragement. If the project is good for his age, praise it! If it isn’t, praise the effort, and encourage another try at it. After all, he didn’t walk on his first try.

HOW SHOULD I EXPLAIN SEX?

16. In view of what the Bible says, what kind of answers should be given to a child’s questions about sex?

¹⁶ You answer your child’s questions and encourage him to communicate. But then you are suddenly asked about sex. Do you answer frankly or do you give some misleading answer, such as saying that a little baby brother or sister was obtained at the hospital? Will you give correct information or let the children get poor, even wrong, answers, perhaps in an obscene context, from older children? The Bible contains frank references to quite a number of things relating to sex or the genital organs. (Genesis 17:11; 18:11; 30:16, 17; Leviticus 15:2) When instructing his people regarding gatherings where his Word was to be read, God said: “Congregate the people, the men and the women and the little ones . . . in order that they may listen and in order that they may learn.” (Deuteronomy 31:12) So the little children would hear any such references in a serious, respectful atmosphere, not in the form of “street talk.”

17-19. How might explanations about sex be given progressively?

¹⁷ Really, the explaining of sex need not be as difficult as many parents imagine. Children become aware of their bodies very early, discovering the various parts. You name them for the child: hands, feet, nose, stomach, buttocks, penis, vulva. The little child is not embarrassed, unless you suddenly change and become “hush-hush” about the genital parts. What appalls parents is that they think they are going to have to explain everything, once the questioning starts. Actually, the questions come piecemeal, as the child reaches different stages of his development. As different stages are reached, you need only supply the proper vocabulary and very simple, general explanations.

¹⁸ For example, one day you are asked, ‘Where do babies come from?’ You can just answer simply by saying something like: ‘They grow inside their mothers.’ Usually, that’s all that is needed, for now. Later on your child may ask, ‘How does the baby get out?’ ‘There’s a special opening for it.’ And that usually satisfies, for now.

¹⁹ Some time later the question may come, ‘How did the baby start?’ Your answer may be: ‘A father and a mother want to have a baby. A seed from the father meets an egg cell in the mother and a baby starts to grow, like a seed in the ground will grow into a flower or a tree.’ So, it is a continued story, each segment being sufficient to satisfy the child for the time being. Later the child may ask, ‘How does the father’s seed get into the mother?’ You may simply say: ‘You know how a boy is. He has a penis. The girl has an opening in her body that it fits into. The seed is planted. People are made that way so that babies can be started and grow in the mother, and finally come out as a baby.’

20. Why is it good for parents to be the ones who give their children explanations about sex?

²⁰ This honest approach is certainly better than false stories or a “hush-hush” reaction that makes the subject seem like something distasteful. (Compare Titus 1:15.) It is also better for the child to hear the facts from its parents, who can accompany their explanations with reasons why babies should properly come only from married persons who love each other and who have accepted the responsibility to love and care for the baby. This puts the subject on a wholesome, spiritual plane, rather than its being learned in a setting that makes it all seem unclean.

TRANSMITTING LIFE’S MOST IMPORTANT LESSONS

21. In view of what tendency in children is it important for parents to set a good example for their offspring?

²¹ Jesus once likened people of his time to “young children sitting in the marketplaces who cry out to their playmates, saying, ‘We played the flute for you, but you did not dance; we wailed, but you did not beat yourselves in grief.’” (Matthew 11:16, 17) The children’s games were in imitation of grown-ups and their festivals and funerals. Because of the child’s natural tendency to imitate, parental example plays a powerful role in a child’s training.

22. What effect may the conduct of parents have on their children?

²² From the time of birth, your baby is learning from you—not just by what you say but how you say it, by the tone of voice you use in talking: to the baby itself, to your mate and to other persons. It observes parents’ ways of dealing with each other, with other members of the family and with visitors. Your example in these things can begin to convey lessons far more vital than your child’s learning to walk or to count or the ABC’s. It can lay a foundation for the knowledge and understanding that lead to genuine happiness in living. That example can make the child receptive to the communication of righteous standards when it is old enough to be taught by speech and reading.

23, 24. If parents want their children to measure up to certain standards, what must they themselves be willing to do?

²³ “Become imitators of God, as beloved children, and go on walking in love,” is the apostle’s exhortation to Christians. Just before this, he showed what imitating God called for, saying: “Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech be taken away from you along with all badness. But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another just as God also by Christ freely forgave you. Therefore, become imitators of God, as beloved children. . . . ” (Ephesians 4:31, 32; 5:1, 2) If the voices that an infant hears, or the actions that it sees, convey lessons in irritability, as do loud and shrill talking, whining complaints, arrogance or explosive anger, an imprint is made that is hard to erase. If you are kind and considerate to all, if your moral standards are high and your principles are good, then your child will tend to imitate you in this. Act the way you want your children to act, be the way you want your children to be.

²⁴ Parents should not have two sets of principles, one to preach and the other to practice, one for their children and the other for themselves. What good is it to tell your children not to lie, if you lie yourself? If you break your promises to them, can you expect them to keep their promises to you? If parents are not respectful to one another, how can they expect their child to learn respect? If the child never hears his father or mother express humility, how can humility become his standard? A serious danger of a parent’s conveying the idea of his being always right is that then the child may feel that everything the parent does is right—even when the parent does things that manifest an imperfect, sinful nature and are wrong. To say but not do is to be like the hypocritical Pharisees, of whom Jesus said: “All the things they tell you, do and observe, but do not do according to their deeds, for they say but do not perform.” So, parents, if you do not want little Pharisees in your family, do not be big Pharisees!—Matthew 23:3.

25. How should children be taught about love?

²⁵ Children first learn about love by seeing it and they learn to give love by receiving it. Love cannot be bought. Parents may shower gifts upon their children. But love is primarily a spiritual matter, of the heart and not of the pocketbook, and gifts alone can never substitute for genuine love. To try to buy love cheapens it. More than material gifts, give of yourself, your time, your energy, your love. You will receive in like measure. (Luke 6:38) As 1 John 4:19 says about our love for God: “We love, because he first loved us.”

26, 27. How might children be taught the joy that comes from giving?

²⁶ Children can learn about giving by receiving. They can be helped to learn the joys of giving, of serving, of sharing. Help them to see that there is happiness in giving—to you, to other children, to grown persons. Often adults do not want to accept gifts from children, mistakenly thinking it shows love to let the children keep for themselves the gifts they would give. One man stated:

“I used to refuse when a child offered me some of his candy. I thought I was being kind, not taking what I knew he liked so much. But when I refused and let him keep it all for himself, I didn’t see the joy I thought the child would show. Then I realized that I was rejecting his generosity, rejecting his gifts, and rejecting him. Thereafter I always accepted such gifts, to let him know the joys of giving.”

²⁷ Parents in one family wanted to help their small son to become like those described in the Bible at 1 Timothy 6:18, “liberal, ready to share.” So, when attending a place for Bible study they would take the money they were going to contribute and give it to their son, letting him drop it into the contribution box. This helped to impress upon him the value of giving support to spiritual matters and of helping to supply whatever material needs these may involve.

28, 29. How might children be taught the importance of apologizing for wrongs?

²⁸ Just as children can learn to love and be generous if right instruction is accompanied by good example, so too they can learn to apologize when it is appropriate. One parent said: “When I make a mistake with my children, I admit it to them. Very briefly I tell them why I made the mistake and that I was in error. It makes it easier for them to admit their mistakes to me, knowing I’m not perfect and will understand.” Illustrating this viewpoint was an occasion when a stranger was visiting a family and the father was introducing the family members to him. The visitor commented:

“All present were introduced, and then a smiling little boy came into the room. The father said, ‘And this is our last son, the one with the jam on his shirt.’ The boy’s smile disappeared and a look of hurt came over his face. Seeing that embarrassment was about to bring tears, the father quickly pulled the child to him and said, ‘I shouldn’t have said that; I’m sorry.’ The boy sobbed a moment, then left the room, but soon was back, with an even bigger smile—and he had a fresh clean shirt on.”

²⁹ Certainly the bonds of affection are strengthened by such humility. Of course, later on a parent can explain to a child how to take a balanced viewpoint of life’s problems, big and small. He can aid his children to learn not to view minor matters too seriously, to be able to laugh at themselves and never to expect perfection of others even as they do not want it expected of themselves.

GIVE A SET OF TRUE VALUES

30-32. Why is it vital for parents to start very early in helping their children to recognize true values in life?

³⁰ Today many parents are confused as to what the true values of life are. As a result, many children are never given a set of values. Some parents even doubt their right to shape their children’s attitudes. If parents don’t, other children, neighbors, movies and television will. Generation gaps, youth revolts, drugs, new moralities and sexual revolutions—all of this frightens parents. But the truth is, the child’s personality is already quite developed before these issues begin to arise in its life.

³¹ Studies reported on in one scientific journal say that “the major portion of the individual’s personality is established before the onset of school. It is, of course, common knowledge that preschool children are extremely impressionable and malleable. . . . However, we have discovered that what they have encountered in their childhood in terms of attitudes and experiences often establishes lasting and sometimes immutable, behavior patterns.”

³² Wrong patterns can be changed, but another researcher explains what happens if precious years are allowed to slip by: “The child remains malleable during his first seven years, but the longer you wait, the more radically you need to change his environment—and the probability of change becomes a little less with each successive year.”

33. What are the most important concepts that children should be taught?

³³ Small children have to learn many basic concepts, but those of greatest importance are the concepts of what is true and what is false, what is right and what is wrong. Writing to the Ephesian Christians, the apostle Paul urged them to gain accurate knowledge, saying, “We should no longer be babes, tossed about as by waves and carried hither and thither by every wind of teaching by means of the trickery of men, by means of cunning in contriving error. But speaking the truth, let us by love grow up in all things into him who is the head, Christ.” (Ephesians 4:13-15) If parents are slow about helping little ones to develop a love of truth and honesty, a love for what is right and good, the children will be left defenseless against error and wrong. The preschool years pass almost before parents realize it. Don’t let them slip by; use those first few, vital, formative years with your children to give them a set of true values. You may save yourself heartache in later years.—Proverbs 29:15, 17.

34. Why are stable standards important, and what is the best source of such standards?

³⁴ “The scene of this world is changing,” wrote the inspired apostle, and that is certainly true of its material, emotional and moral standards. (1 Corinthians 7:31) There is little stability in the world. Parents must recognize that, being human, they too can fail in this regard. If they have their children’s best interests at heart and are really concerned for their future happiness, parents will point their children to a set of standards that are truly stable. They can do this by impressing upon their children from infancy onward that, whatever question may arise, whatever problem needs solution, God’s written Word, the Bible, is the place to turn to for answers that are decisive and most helpful. No matter how confusing or obscure circumstances may at times cause life to seem, that Word will continue to be ‘a lamp to their feet, and a light to their roadway.’—Psalm 119:105.

35. How important is the training of one’s children?

³⁵ Yes, this is your period of golden opportunity to begin building in your children a set of values that can sustain them throughout their lives. No career is greater, no job more important, than training your children. The time to start is as soon as they are born, in their infancy!