Reading the Signals of Stress in Your Child

“Feelings of stress are rarely free-floating: They are usually reactions to particular events or circumstances.” ​—Dr. Lilian G. Katz.

FLYING an airplane on a dark, foggy night, how can the pilot see where he is going? From takeoff to landing, he relies upon signals. Well over a hundred instruments occupy the panels on the flight deck of a large airplane, each conveying vital information and alerting the pilot to potential problems.

Growing up in our stress-filled world is like flying through a storm. How can parents foster a smooth flight from infancy to adulthood? Since many children do not talk about their stresses, parents must learn to read signals.

The Body “Speaks”

A child’s stress is often communicated through the body. Psychosomatic reactions, including stomach problems, headaches, fatigue, sleep disorders, and problems with elimination, may be signals that something is wrong.a

Sharon’s hearing loss was the climax of a period of intense loneliness. When Amy went to school, her stomach cramps were induced by a fear of being separated from her mother. John’s constipation resulted from the tension of witnessing violent fighting between his parents.

Sexual molestation had physical consequences for ten-year-old Ashley. “I remember not going to school for a week [following the rape] because I was sick,” she recalls. The book When Your Child Has Been Molested explains: “The burden of carrying the molestation can stress the child into being unhealthy.” Among the possible physical signals of such trauma are lesions, pain during elimination, recurring stomachaches, headaches, and bone or muscle pains that have no apparent cause.

When illness seems psychosomatic, parents should take the signal seriously. “Whether the child is faking or not doesn’t matter,” says Dr. Alice S. Honig. “What’s important is the underlying problem.”

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

A sudden change in behavior is often a call for help. The book Giving Sorrow Words notes: “When a good student starts getting F’s, that deserves attention, and the same is true when a child who was previously a troublemaker turns into an angel.”

Seven-year-old Timmy’s sudden pattern of lying began when his mother became totally consumed with her job. Six-year-old Adam’s sudden rude behavior was rooted in feelings of inadequacy at school. Seven-year-old Carl’s regression to bed-wetting displayed his craving for parental acceptance, which now seemed diverted toward his younger sister.

Self-destructive behavior is especially disturbing. Twelve-year-old Sara’s frequent accidents could not be attributed to mere clumsiness. Since her parents’ divorce, hurting herself was the way she unconsciously used to try to recapture her absent father’s affection. Whether as simple as minor self-inflicted wounds or as serious as a suicide attempt, aggression turned inward through self-destructive behavior is a signal of intense stress.

Speaking From the Heart

“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,” said Jesus Christ. (Matthew 12:34) A heart that is dominated by negative feelings is usually revealed by what the child says.

“Children who come home saying ‘Nobody likes me’ really are telling you that they don’t like themselves,” says Dr. Loraine Stern. The same might be true of bragging. Though seemingly expressing the opposite of low self-esteem, boasting about real or imagined accomplishments may be an effort to overcome deep feelings of inadequacy.

True, all children get sick, occasionally misbehave, and experience periodic disappointment with themselves. But when such problems form a pattern and no immediate cause is evident, parents should weigh the meaning of the signals.

After examining the patterns of childhood behavior of six teenagers who were the perpetrators of an extremely violent attack, Mary Susan Miller noted: “All the signs were there. The boys had been scrawling them across their lives for years, but no one paid any attention. Adults saw, but they shrugged their shoulders.”

Now more than ever, parents must be alert to recognize the signs of childhood stress and act on them.

[Footnotes]

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Stress in the Womb?

Even a fetus can detect the stress, fear, and anxiety that its mother communicates through chemical changes in the bloodstream. “The developing fetus feels every bit of tension the pregnant woman does,” writes Linda Bird Francke in Growing Up Divorced. “Though the nervous systems of the fetus and the woman are not directly connected, there is a one-way relationship between the two that cannot be severed.” This may explain why, according to Time magazine, an estimated 30 percent of infants 18 months and younger suffer from stress-related difficulties ranging from emotional withdrawal to anxiety attacks. “Babies born to unhappy, distressed women are often unhappy and distressed themselves,” Francke concludes.

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When a Child Tries to End It All

“What would happen if I slept for a hundred years?” Lettie asked her father. A childish question, he thought. But Lettie was not being frivolous. Several days later she was hospitalized because of swallowing a full bottle of sleeping pills.

What should you do if your child thinks about or actually attempts suicide? “Seek immediate professional help,” urges the book Depression​—What Families Should Know. “Treating potential suicides is not a job for amateurs, even those who care about the depressed person a great deal. You may think you’ve talked your family member out of suicide when all he or she is doing is clamming up and keeping all the feelings inside until they explode with horrifying results.”

With proper treatment, there is hope for a child who tries to end it all. “Most people who attempt suicide really don’t want to kill themselves,” the above-quoted book states. “They simply want to stop hurting. Their attempts are a cry for help.” In the Christian congregation, parents who are at a loss to handle suicidal tendencies may receive loving support and good Scriptural advice from the elders.