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SIDS—Facing the GriefAwake!—1988 | January 22
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Awake!: “How did other people help you through the crisis? And what things don’t help?”
Anne responded: “One friend came and cleaned up my house without my having to say a word. Others made meals for us. Some just helped by giving me a hug—no words, just a hug. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to have to explain over and over again what had happened. I didn’t need prying questions, as if I had failed to do something. I was the mother; I would have done anything to save my Rachel.”
Doug continued: “Sometimes innocent remarks were made that were not helpful, such as: ‘As Christians we should not mourn as others do.’ Now, I know that. But I can assure you, when you lose a child, at that moment even the firm knowledge of the resurrection is not going to prevent you from weeping and mourning. After all, Jesus wept when Lazarus died, and Jesus knew he was going to resurrect him.”
Anne added: “Another comment that we did not find helpful was, ‘I know how you feel.’ We know it was said with the best of intentions, but unless that person had lost a baby as I did, there is no way he or she could know how I felt. Feelings are very personal. True, most people can show sympathy, but very few can show real empathy.”
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SIDS—Facing the GriefAwake!—1988 | January 22
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A Solid Hope Sustains
What about the use of sedatives during the grief period? Pathologist Knight writes: “It has been shown that heavy sedation may be counter-productive if it is a barrier to the normal process of bereavement and grieving. The tragedy has to be endured, suffered and eventually rationalised and to retard this unduly by knocking out the mother with drugs may prolong or distort the process.”
Awake! asked Doug what had sustained him and Anne through their grief.
“I remember that the funeral talk was helpful. What comforted us most of all that day was our Christian hope in the resurrection. Her loss was felt deeply, but the hurt was softened by God’s promise through Christ of seeing her again here on earth. From the Bible, we saw that the effects of death are reversible. The speaker showed from the Bible that Rachel was not in heaven ‘as a little angel’ nor in Limbo awaiting release to heaven. She was simply asleep in the common grave of mankind.”—See John 5:28, 29; 11:11-14; Ecclesiastes 9:5.
Awake!: “How would you answer those who say that ‘God took her’?”
“It would be a selfish God who would take little children from their parents. The Bible’s answer at Ecclesiastes 9:11 is enlightening: ‘Time and unforeseen occurrence befall them all.’ And Psalm 51:5 tells us that all of us are imperfect, sinful, from the time of our conception, and the eventuality for all men now is death from any number of causes. Sometimes death strikes before birth, resulting in a stillbirth. In Rachel’s case, she contracted something as an infant that overwhelmed her system—an unforeseen occurrence.”
Every day thousands of homes lose a child in death. Many of these are babies who die from SIDS. Compassionate friends, doctors, hospital staff, and counselors can mean so much in such tragic circumstances. (See box to the left.) Also, accurate knowledge of God’s purposes toward mankind can truly sustain grieving parents.
If you would like to know more about God’s promise of a resurrection to perfect life on earth, please feel free to contact Jehovah’s Witnesses in your neighborhood. They will gladly help you with comfort from God’s Word, without obligation.
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SIDS—Facing the GriefAwake!—1988 | January 22
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[Box on page 12]
Suggestions for Helping Bereaved Parents
What You Can Do
1. Be available. Make meals. Clean house. Run errands. Care for the other children.
2. Express your genuine fellow feeling and sorrow at their loss.
3. Let them express their feelings and grief as they see fit.
4. Encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to demand too much from themselves.
5. Allow them to talk about the lost child as much as they wish, and you talk about the endearing qualities of the child.
6. Give special attention to the child’s brothers and sisters for whatever length of time it is necessary.
7. Relieve them of guilt feelings. Reassure them that they did all they could. Highlight whatever else you know to be true and positive about the care they gave.
What to Avoid
1. Don’t avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Just a sympathetic hug is better than absence.
2. Don’t say you know how they feel—unless you have lost a child too.
3. Don’t be judgmental or tell them what they should feel or do.
4. Don’t become silent when they mention their dead child. And don’t be afraid to mention the child—they want to hear good things about him/her.
5. Don’t draw sham conclusions or lessons to be learned from the loss of the child. In their grief, there is no silver lining to this cloud.
6. Don’t remind them that at least they have other children or can have more. No other child is a substitute or replacement.
7. Don’t add to their guilt feelings by looking for faults in the home or hospital care.
8. Don’t use religious platitudes that put the blame on God.
(Based in part on a list prepared by Lee Schmidt, Parent Bereavement Outreach, Santa Monica, California.)
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