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Maintain Peace in Your HouseholdThe Secret of Family Happiness
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CHAPTER ELEVEN
Maintain Peace in Your Household
1. What are some things that may cause divisions in families?
HAPPY are those who belong to families in which there is love, understanding, and peace. Hopefully, yours is such a family. Sad to say, countless families fail to fit that description and are divided for one reason or another. What divides households? In this chapter we will discuss three things. In some families, members do not all share the same religion. In others, the children may not have the same biological parents. In still others, the struggle to make a living or the desire for more material things seems to force family members apart. Yet, circumstances that divide one household may not affect another. What makes the difference?
2. Where do some look for guidance in family life, but what is the best source of such guidance?
2 Viewpoint is one factor. If you sincerely try to understand the other person’s point of view, you are more likely to discern how to preserve a united household. A second factor is your source of guidance. Many people follow the advice of workmates, neighbors, newspaper columnists, or other human guides. Some, though, have found out what God’s Word says about their situation, and then they applied what they learned. How can doing this help a family to maintain peace in a household?—2 Timothy 3:16, 17.
IF YOUR HUSBAND HAS A DIFFERENT FAITH
3. (a) What is the Bible’s counsel regarding marrying one of a different faith? (b) What are some basic principles that apply if one spouse is a believer and the other is not?
3 The Bible strongly counsels us against marrying someone with a different religious faith. (Deuteronomy 7:3, 4; 1 Corinthians 7:39) It may be, however, that you learned the truth from the Bible after your marriage but your husband did not. What then? Of course, the marriage vows still hold. (1 Corinthians 7:10) The Bible emphasizes the permanence of the marriage bond and encourages married people to work out their differences rather than to run away from them. (Ephesians 5:28-31; Titus 2:4, 5) What, though, if your husband strongly objects to your practicing the religion of the Bible? He may try to hinder you from going to congregation meetings, or he may say that he does not want his wife to go from house to house, talking about religion. What will you do?
4. In what way can a wife show empathy if her husband does not share her faith?
4 Ask yourself, ‘Why does my husband feel the way he does?’ (Proverbs 16:20, 23) If he does not really understand what you are doing, he may worry about you. Or he may be under pressure from relatives because you no longer share in certain customs that are important to them. “Alone in the house, I felt deserted,” said one husband. This man felt that he was losing his wife to a religion. Yet pride kept him from admitting that he was lonely. Your husband may need the reassurance that your love for Jehovah does not mean that you now love your husband less than you did in the past. Be sure to spend time with him.
5. What balance must be kept by the wife whose husband is of a different faith?
5 However, something even more important must be considered if you are going to deal with the situation wisely. God’s Word urges wives: “Be in subjection to your husbands, as it is becoming in the Lord.” (Colossians 3:18) Thus, it cautions against a spirit of independence. In addition, by saying “as it is becoming in the Lord,” this scripture indicates that subjection to one’s husband should also take into consideration subjection to the Lord. There has to be a balance.
6. What principles should be kept in mind by a Christian wife?
6 For a Christian, attending congregation meetings and witnessing to others about one’s Bible-based faith are important aspects of true worship that are not to be neglected. (Romans 10:9, 10, 14; Hebrews 10:24, 25) What would you do, then, if a human directly commanded you not to comply with a specific requirement of God? The apostles of Jesus Christ declared: “We must obey God as ruler rather than men.” (Acts 5:29) Their example provides a precedent that is applicable to many situations in life. Will love for Jehovah move you to render to him the devotion that rightly belongs to him? At the same time, will your love and respect for your husband cause you to try to do this in a way that is acceptable to him?—Matthew 4:10; 1 John 5:3.
7. What determination must a Christian wife have?
7 Jesus noted that this would not always be possible. He warned that because of opposition to true worship, believing members of some families would feel cut off, as if a sword had come between them and the rest of the family. (Matthew 10:34-36) A woman in Japan experienced this. She was opposed by her husband for 11 years. He harshly mistreated her and frequently locked her out of the house. But she persevered. Friends in the Christian congregation helped her. She prayed incessantly and drew much encouragement from 1 Peter 2:20. This Christian woman was convinced that if she remained firm, someday her husband would join her in serving Jehovah. And he did.
8, 9. How should a wife act to avoid putting unnecessary obstacles before her husband?
8 There are many practical things you can do to affect your mate’s attitude. For example, if your husband objects to your religion, do not give him valid causes for complaint in other areas. Keep the home clean. Care for your personal appearance. Be generous with expressions of love and appreciation. Instead of criticizing, be supportive. Show that you look to him for headship. Do not retaliate if you feel you have been wronged. (1 Peter 2:21, 23) Make allowances for human imperfection, and if a dispute arises, humbly be the first to apologize.—Ephesians 4:26.
9 Do not let your attendance at meetings be a reason for his meals being late. You may also choose to share in the Christian ministry at times when your husband is not at home. It is wise for a Christian wife to refrain from preaching to her husband when this is unwelcome. Rather, she follows the apostle Peter’s counsel: “You wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, in order that, if any are not obedient to the word, they may be won without a word through the conduct of their wives, because of having been eyewitnesses of your chaste conduct together with deep respect.” (1 Peter 3:1, 2) Christian wives work on more fully manifesting the fruits of God’s spirit.—Galatians 5:22, 23.
WHEN THE WIFE IS NOT A PRACTICING CHRISTIAN
10. How should a believing husband act toward his wife if she is of a different persuasion?
10 What if the husband is the practicing Christian and the wife is not? The Bible gives direction for such situations. It says: “If any brother has an unbelieving wife, and yet she is agreeable to dwelling with him, let him not leave her.” (1 Corinthians 7:12) It also admonishes husbands: “Keep on loving your wives.”—Colossians 3:19.
11. How can a husband show discernment and tactfully exercise headship over his wife if she is not a practicing Christian?
11 If you are the husband of a wife with a faith different from yours, be especially careful to show respect for your wife and consideration for her feelings. As an adult, she deserves a measure of freedom to practice her religious beliefs, even if you disagree with them. The first time you talk to her about your faith, do not expect her to discard long-held beliefs in favor of something new. Instead of abruptly saying that practices she and her family have cherished for a long time are false, patiently endeavor to reason with her from the Scriptures. It may be that she feels neglected if you devote a great deal of time to the activities of the congregation. She may oppose your efforts to serve Jehovah, yet the basic message may simply be: “I need more of your time!” Be patient. With your loving consideration, in time she may be helped to embrace true worship.—Colossians 3:12-14; 1 Peter 3:8, 9.
TRAINING THE CHILDREN
12. Even if a husband and his wife are of different faiths, how should Scriptural principles be applied in the training of their children?
12 In a household that is not united in worship, religious instruction of the children sometimes becomes an issue. How should Scriptural principles be applied? The Bible assigns the father primary responsibility for instructing the children, but the mother also has an important role to play. (Proverbs 1:8; compare Genesis 18:19; Deuteronomy 11:18, 19.) Even if he does not accept the headship of Christ, the father is still the family head.
13, 14. If the husband forbids his wife to take the children to Christian meetings or study with them, what can she do?
13 Some unbelieving fathers do not object if the mother instructs the children in religious matters. Others do. What if your husband refuses to permit you to take the children to congregation meetings or even forbids you to study the Bible with them at home? Now you have to balance a number of obligations—your obligation to Jehovah God, to your husbandly head, and to your beloved children. How can you reconcile these?
14 Certainly you will pray about the matter. (Philippians 4:6, 7; 1 John 5:14) But in the end, you are the one who must decide what course to take. If you proceed with tact, making it clear to your husband that you are not challenging his headship, his opposition may eventually lessen. Even if your husband forbids you to take your children to meetings or to have a formal Bible study with them, you can still teach them. By your daily conversation and your good example, try to inculcate in them a degree of love for Jehovah, faith in his Word, respect for parents—including their father—loving concern for other people, and appreciation for conscientious work habits. In time, the father may notice the good results and may appreciate the value of your efforts.—Proverbs 23:24.
15. What is the responsibility of a believing father in the education of the children?
15 If you are a husband who is a believer and your wife is not, then you must shoulder the responsibility to bring up your children “in the discipline and mental-regulating of Jehovah.” (Ephesians 6:4) While doing so, you should, of course, be kind, loving, and reasonable in dealing with your wife.
IF YOUR RELIGION IS NOT THAT OF YOUR PARENTS
16, 17. What Bible principles must children remember if they accept a faith different from that of their parents?
16 It is no longer uncommon for even minor children to embrace religious views that are different from those of their parents. Have you done that? If so, the Bible has counsel for you.
17 God’s Word says: “Be obedient to your parents in union with the Lord, for this is righteous: ‘Honor your father and your mother.’” (Ephesians 6:1, 2) That involves wholesome respect for parents. However, while obedience to parents is important, it must not be rendered without regard for the true God. When a child gets old enough to begin making decisions, he bears an increased measure of responsibility for his actions. This is true not only with regard to secular law but especially concerning divine law. “Each of us will render an account for himself to God,” the Bible states.—Romans 14:12.
18, 19. If children have a religion that is different from that of their parents, how can they help their parents to understand their faith better?
18 If your beliefs cause you to make changes in your life, try to understand your parents’ point of view. They will likely be pleased if, as a result of your learning and applying Bible teachings, you become more respectful, more obedient, more diligent in what they ask of you. However, if your new faith also causes you to reject beliefs and customs that they personally cherish, they may feel that you are spurning a heritage that they sought to give you. They may also fear for your welfare if what you are doing is not popular in the community or if it diverts your attention from pursuits that they feel could help you to prosper materially. Pride could also be a barrier. They may feel that you are, in effect, saying that you are right and they are wrong.
19 As soon as possible, therefore, try to arrange for your parents to meet some of the elders or other mature Witnesses from the local congregation. Encourage your parents to visit a Kingdom Hall to hear for themselves what is discussed and to see firsthand what sort of people Jehovah’s Witnesses are. In time, your parents’ attitude may soften. Even when parents are adamantly opposed, destroy Bible literature, and forbid children to attend Christian meetings, there usually are opportunities to read elsewhere, to talk to fellow Christians, and to witness to and help others informally. You can also pray to Jehovah. Some youths have to wait until they are old enough to live outside the family home before they can do more. Whatever the situation at home, however, do not forget to “honor your father and your mother.” Do your part to contribute to peace in the home. (Romans 12:17, 18) Above all, pursue peace with God.
THE CHALLENGE OF BEING A STEPPARENT
20. What feelings may children have if their father or mother is a stepparent?
20 In many homes the situation that presents the greatest challenge is not religious but biological. Many households today include children from previous marriages of one or both of the parents. In such a family, children may experience jealousy and resentment or perhaps a conflict of loyalties. As a result, they may rebuff the sincere efforts of the stepparent to be a good father or mother. What can help to make a stepfamily successful?
21. Despite their special circumstances, why should stepparents look to principles found in the Bible for help?
21 Realize that in spite of the special circumstances, Bible principles that bring success in other households apply here also. Ignoring those principles may, for the moment, seem to relieve a problem but will likely lead to heartache later. (Psalm 127:1; Proverbs 29:15) Cultivate wisdom and discernment—wisdom to apply godly principles with long-term benefits in mind, and discernment to identify why family members say and do certain things. There is also a need for empathy.—Proverbs 16:21; 24:3; 1 Peter 3:8.
22. Why may children find it difficult to accept a stepparent?
22 If you are a stepparent, you may recall that as a friend of the family, you were perhaps welcomed by the children. But when you became their stepparent, their attitude may have changed. Remembering the biological parent who is no longer living with them, the children may be struggling with a conflict of loyalties, possibly feeling that you want to take away the affection that they have for the absent parent. At times, they might bluntly remind you that you are not their father or their mother. Such statements hurt. Still, “do not hurry yourself in your spirit to become offended.” (Ecclesiastes 7:9) Discernment and empathy are needed in order to deal with the children’s emotions.
23. How may discipline be handled in a family with stepchildren?
23 Those qualities are crucial when one is administering discipline. Consistent discipline is vital. (Proverbs 6:20; 13:1) And since children are not all the same, discipline may differ from one case to another. Some stepparents find that, at least to start with, it may be better for the biological parent to handle this aspect of parenting. It is essential, though, that both parents agree on the discipline and uphold it, not favoring a natural offspring over a stepchild. (Proverbs 24:23) Obedience is important, but allowances for imperfection need to be made. Do not overreact. Discipline in love.—Colossians 3:21.
24. What can help to avert moral problems between members of the opposite sex in a stepfamily?
24 Family discussions can do much to head off trouble. These can help the family to keep in focus the most important matters in life. (Compare Philippians 1:9-11.) They can also assist each one to see how he can contribute toward attaining family goals. In addition, frank family discussions can avert moral problems. Girls need to understand how to dress and comport themselves around their stepfather and any stepbrothers, and boys need counsel on proper conduct toward their stepmother and any stepsisters.—1 Thessalonians 4:3-8.
25. What qualities can help keep peace in a stepfamily?
25 In meeting the special challenge of being a stepparent, be patient. It takes time to develop new relationships. Earning the love and respect of children with whom you have no biological bond can be a formidable task. But it is possible. A wise and discerning heart, coupled with a strong desire to please Jehovah, is the key to peace in a stepfamily. (Proverbs 16:20) Such qualities can also help you to cope with other situations.
DO MATERIAL PURSUITS DIVIDE YOUR HOME?
26. In what ways can problems and attitudes regarding material things divide a family?
26 Problems and attitudes regarding material things can divide families in many ways. Sadly, some families are disrupted by arguments over money and the desire to be rich—or at least a little richer. Divisions may develop when both mates work secularly and cultivate a “my money, your money” attitude. Even if arguments are avoided, when both mates work they may find themselves with a schedule that leaves little time for each other. A growing trend in the world is for fathers to live away from their families for extended periods—months or even years—in order to earn more money than they could ever earn at home. This can lead to very serious problems.
27. What are some principles that can help a family under financial pressure?
27 No rules can be laid down for handling these situations, since different families have to deal with different pressures and needs. Still, Bible counsel can help. For example, Proverbs 13:10 indicates that needless struggle can sometimes be avoided by “consulting together.” This involves not merely stating one’s own views but seeking advice and finding out how the other person looks at a matter. Further, working out a realistic budget can help to unify family efforts. Sometimes it is necessary—perhaps temporarily—for both mates to work outside the home to care for added expenses, especially when there are children or other dependents. When this is the case, the husband can reassure his wife that he still has time for her. He along with the children can lovingly help with some of the work that she might normally handle alone.—Philippians 2:1-4.
28. What reminders, if observed, will help a family to work toward unity?
28 However, keep in mind that while money is a necessity in this system of things, it does not bring happiness. It certainly does not give life. (Ecclesiastes 7:12) Indeed, overemphasis on material things can cause spiritual and moral ruin. (1 Timothy 6:9-12) How much better to seek first God’s Kingdom and his righteousness, with the assurance of having his blessing on our efforts to obtain life’s necessities! (Matthew 6:25-33; Hebrews 13:5) By keeping spiritual interests to the fore and by pursuing peace first of all with God, you may find that your household, though perhaps divided by certain circumstances, will become one that is truly united in the most important ways.
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You Can Overcome Problems That Damage a FamilyThe Secret of Family Happiness
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CHAPTER TWELVE
You Can Overcome Problems That Damage a Family
1. What hidden problems exist in some families?
THE old car has just been washed and waxed. To passersby it looks shiny, almost new. But underneath the surface, corrosive rust is eating away the body of the vehicle. It is similar with some families. Although to outward appearances everything looks fine, smiling faces hide fear and pain. Behind closed doors corrosive elements are eating away at family peace. Two problems that can have this effect are alcoholism and violence.
THE DAMAGE CAUSED BY ALCOHOLISM
2. (a) What is the Bible’s view of the use of alcoholic beverages? (b) What is alcoholism?
2 The Bible does not condemn the moderate use of alcoholic beverages, but it does condemn drunkenness. (Proverbs 23:20, 21; 1 Corinthians 6:9, 10; 1 Timothy 5:23; Titus 2:2, 3) Alcoholism, though, is more than drunkenness; it is a chronic preoccupation with alcoholic drinks and a loss of control over their consumption. Alcoholics can be adults. Sadly, they can also be youths.
3, 4. Describe the effects of alcoholism on the spouse of the alcoholic and on the children.
3 The Bible long ago indicated that misuse of alcohol can disrupt family peace. (Deuteronomy 21:18-21) The corrosive effects of alcoholism are felt by the entire family. The spouse may become absorbed in efforts to stop the alcoholic’s drinking or to cope with his unpredictable behavior.a She tries concealing the liquor, throwing it away, hiding his money, and appealing to his love for family, for life, even for God—but the alcoholic still drinks. As her efforts to control his drinking meet with repeated failure, she feels frustrated and inadequate. She may begin to suffer from fear, anger, guilt, nervousness, anxiety, and lack of self-respect.
4 Children do not escape the effects of a parent’s alcoholism. Some are assaulted physically. Others are molested sexually. They may even blame themselves for a parent’s alcoholism. Frequently their ability to trust others is shattered by the alcoholic’s inconsistent behavior. Because they cannot comfortably talk about what is happening at home, the children may learn to suppress their feelings, often with harmful physical consequences. (Proverbs 17:22) Such children may carry this lack of self-confidence or self-respect right into adulthood.
WHAT CAN THE FAMILY DO?
5. How can alcoholism be managed, and why is this difficult?
5 Although many authorities say that alcoholism cannot be cured, most agree that a measure of recovery is possible with a program of total abstinence. (Compare Matthew 5:29.) However, getting an alcoholic to accept help is easier said than done, since he usually denies that he has a problem. Nevertheless, when family members take steps to deal with the way the alcoholism has affected them, the alcoholic may begin to realize that he has a problem. A physician with experience in helping alcoholics and their families said: “I think the most important thing is for the family simply to go about their business of living in the healthiest way they can. The alcoholic more and more gets confronted with how big the contrast is between him and the rest of the family.”
6. What is the best source of counsel for families with an alcoholic member?
6 If there is an alcoholic in your family, the Bible’s inspired counsel can assist you in living in the healthiest way possible. (Isaiah 48:17; 2 Timothy 3:16, 17) Consider some principles that have helped families to deal successfully with alcoholism.
7. If a family member is an alcoholic, who is responsible?
7 Stop taking all the blame. The Bible says: “Each one will carry his own load,” and, “each of us will render an account for himself to God.” (Galatians 6:5; Romans 14:12) The alcoholic may try to suggest that family members are responsible. For example, he may say: “If you treated me better, I wouldn’t drink.” If others appear to agree with him, they are encouraging him to continue drinking. But even if we are victimized by circumstances or by other people, all of us—including alcoholics—are responsible for what we do.—Compare Philippians 2:12.
8. What are some ways that the alcoholic may be helped to face the consequences of his problem?
8 Do not feel that you must always shield the alcoholic from the consequences of his drinking. A Bible proverb about someone in a rage could apply equally to the alcoholic: “If you would deliver him, you will also keep doing it again and again.” (Proverbs 19:19) Let the alcoholic feel the effects of his drinking. Let him clean up after himself or call his employer the morning after a drinking episode.
9, 10. Why should the families of alcoholics accept help, and whose help in particular should they seek?
9 Accept help from others. Proverbs 17:17 says: “A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.” When there is an alcoholic in your family, there is distress. You need help. Do not hesitate to rely on ‘true companions’ for support. (Proverbs 18:24) Talking with others who understand the problem or who have faced a similar situation may provide you with practical suggestions on what to do and what not to do. But be balanced. Speak with those you trust, those who will protect your “confidential talk.”—Proverbs 11:13.
10 Learn to trust Christian elders. The elders in the Christian congregation can be a great source of help. These mature men are educated in God’s Word and experienced in the application of its principles. They can prove to be “like a hiding place from the wind and a place of concealment from the rainstorm, like streams of water in a waterless country, like the shadow of a heavy crag in an exhausted land.” (Isaiah 32:2) Not only do Christian elders protect the congregation as a whole from harmful influences but they also comfort, refresh, and take a personal interest in individuals who have problems. Take full advantage of their help.
11, 12. Who provides the greatest help for families of alcoholics, and how is that support given?
11 Above all, draw strength from Jehovah. The Bible warmly assures us: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) If you feel broken at heart or crushed in spirit because of the pressures of living with an alcoholic family member, know that “Jehovah is near.” He understands how difficult your family situation is.—1 Peter 5:6, 7.
12 Believing what Jehovah says in his Word can help you to cope with anxiety. (Psalm 130:3, 4; Matthew 6:25-34; 1 John 3:19, 20) Studying God’s Word and living by its principles puts you in line to receive the help of God’s holy spirit, which can equip you with “power beyond what is normal” to cope from one day to the next.—2 Corinthians 4:7.b
13. What is a second problem that damages many families?
13 Abuse of alcohol can lead to another problem that damages many families—domestic violence.
DAMAGE CAUSED BY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
14. When did domestic violence begin, and what is the situation today?
14 The first violent act in human history was an incident of domestic violence involving two brothers, Cain and Abel. (Genesis 4:8) Ever since then, mankind has been plagued with all manner of domestic violence. There are husbands who batter wives, wives who attack husbands, parents who cruelly beat their young children, and grown children who abuse their elderly parents.
15. How are family members affected emotionally by domestic violence?
15 The damage caused by domestic violence goes far beyond the physical scars. One battered wife said: “There is a lot of guilt and shame you have to deal with. Most mornings, you just want to stay in bed, hoping it was just a bad dream.” Children who observe or experience domestic violence may themselves be violent when they grow up and have families of their own.
16, 17. What is emotional abuse, and how are family members affected by it?
16 Domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. Often the assault is verbal. Proverbs 12:18 says: “There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword.” These “stabs” that characterize domestic violence include name-calling and shouting, as well as constant criticism, degrading insults, and threats of physical violence. The wounds of emotional violence are invisible and often go unnoticed by others.
17 Especially sad is the emotional battering of a child—the constant criticizing and belittling of a child’s abilities, intelligence, or value as a person. Such verbal abuse can destroy the spirit of a child. True, all children need discipline. But the Bible instructs fathers: “Do not be exasperating your children, so that they do not become downhearted.”—Colossians 3:21.
HOW TO AVOID DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
18. Where does domestic violence begin, and what does the Bible show is the way to stop it?
18 Domestic violence begins in the heart and mind; the way we act begins with how we think. (James 1:14, 15) To stop the violence, the abuser needs to transform his way of thinking. (Romans 12:2) Is that possible? Yes. God’s Word has the power to change people. It can uproot even “strongly entrenched” destructive views. (2 Corinthians 10:4; Hebrews 4:12) Accurate knowledge of the Bible can help produce so complete a change in people that they are said to put on a new personality.—Ephesians 4:22-24; Colossians 3:8-10.
19. How should a Christian view and treat a marriage mate?
19 View of marriage mate. God’s Word says: “Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:28) The Bible also says that a husband should assign his wife “honor as to a weaker vessel.” (1 Peter 3:7) Wives are admonished “to love their husbands” and to have “deep respect” for them. (Titus 2:4; Ephesians 5:33) Surely no God-fearing husband can truthfully argue that he really honors his wife if he assaults her physically or verbally. And no wife who screams at her husband, addresses him sarcastically, or constantly scolds him can say that she truly loves and respects him.
20. Before whom are parents responsible for their children, and why should parents not have unrealistic expectations of their children?
20 Proper view of children. Children deserve, yes, need, love and attention from their parents. God’s Word calls children “an inheritance from Jehovah” and “a reward.” (Psalm 127:3) Parents are responsible before Jehovah to care for that inheritance. The Bible speaks of “the traits of a babe” and the “foolishness” of boyhood. (1 Corinthians 13:11; Proverbs 22:15) Parents should not be surprised if they encounter foolishness in their children. Youngsters are not adults. Parents should not demand more than is appropriate for a child’s age, family background, and ability.—See Genesis 33:12-14.
21. What is the godly way of viewing elderly parents and of dealing with them?
21 View of elderly parents. Leviticus 19:32 says: “Before gray hair you should rise up, and you must show consideration for the person of an old man.” God’s Law thus fostered respect and a high regard for the elderly. This may be a challenge when an elderly parent seems overly demanding or is ill and perhaps does not move or think quickly. Still, children are reminded to “keep paying a due compensation to their parents.” (1 Timothy 5:4) This would mean treating them with dignity and respect, perhaps even providing for them financially. Mistreating elderly parents physically or otherwise absolutely contradicts the way the Bible tells us to act.
22. What is a key quality in overcoming domestic violence, and how can it be exercised?
22 Cultivate self-control. Proverbs 29:11 says: “All his spirit is what a stupid one lets out, but he that is wise keeps it calm to the last.” How can you control your spirit? Instead of letting frustration build up inside, act quickly to settle difficulties that arise. (Ephesians 4:26, 27) Leave the scene if you feel yourself losing control. Pray for God’s holy spirit to produce self-control in you. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Going for a walk or engaging in some physical exercise may help you to control your emotions. (Proverbs 17:14, 27) Endeavor to be “slow to anger.”—Proverbs 14:29.
TO SEPARATE OR REMAIN TOGETHER?
23. What may happen if a member of the Christian congregation repeatedly and unrepentantly gives in to violent fits of anger, perhaps including physical abuse of his family?
23 The Bible places among the works condemned by God “enmities, strife, . . . fits of anger” and states that “those who practice such things will not inherit God’s kingdom.” (Galatians 5:19-21) Therefore, anyone claiming to be a Christian who repeatedly and unrepentantly gives in to violent fits of anger, perhaps including physical abuse of spouse or children, can be disfellowshipped from the Christian congregation. (Compare 2 John 9, 10.) In this way the congregation is kept clean of abusive persons.—1 Corinthians 5:6, 7; Galatians 5:9.
24. (a) How may abused spouses choose to act? (b) How may concerned friends and elders support an abused spouse, but what should they not do?
24 What about Christians who are currently being battered by an abusive spouse who shows no sign of changing? Some have chosen to stay with the abusive spouse for one reason or another. Others have chosen to leave, feeling that their physical, mental, and spiritual health—perhaps even their life—is in danger. What a victim of domestic violence chooses to do in these circumstances is a personal decision before Jehovah. (1 Corinthians 7:10, 11) Well-meaning friends, relatives, or Christian elders may wish to offer help and counsel, but they should not put pressure on a victim to take any particular course of action. That is his or her own decision to make.—Romans 14:4; Galatians 6:5.
AN END TO DAMAGING PROBLEMS
25. What is Jehovah’s purpose for the family?
25 When Jehovah brought Adam and Eve together in marriage, he never purposed that families should be corroded by damaging problems such as alcoholism or violence. (Ephesians 3:14, 15) The family was to be a place where love and peace would flourish and each member would have his mental, emotional, and spiritual needs cared for. With the introduction of sin, however, family life quickly deteriorated.—Compare Ecclesiastes 8:9.
26. What future awaits those who try to live in harmony with Jehovah’s requirements?
26 Happily, Jehovah has not abandoned his purpose for the family. He promises to usher in a peaceful new world in which people “will actually dwell in security, with no one to make them tremble.” (Ezekiel 34:28) At that time, alcoholism, domestic violence, and all the other problems that damage families today will be things of the past. People will smile, not to hide fear and pain, but because they are finding “exquisite delight in the abundance of peace.”—Psalm 37:11.
a Although we refer to the alcoholic as a male, the principles herein apply equally when the alcoholic is a female.
b In some lands, there are treatment centers, hospitals, and recovery programs that specialize in helping alcoholics and their families. Whether to seek such help or not is a personal decision. The Watch Tower Society does not endorse any particular treatment. However, care must be exercised so that, in seeking help, one does not become involved in activities that compromise Scriptural principles.
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If Marriage Is at the Breaking PointThe Secret of Family Happiness
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CHAPTER THIRTEEN
If Marriage Is at the Breaking Point
1, 2. When a marriage is under stress, what question should be asked?
IN 1988 an Italian woman named Lucia was very depressed.a After ten years her marriage was ending. Many times she had tried to bring about a reconciliation with her husband, but it just did not work out. So she separated because of incompatibility and now faced raising two daughters on her own. Looking back at that time, Lucia recalls: “I was certain that nothing could save our marriage.”
2 If you are having marriage problems, you may be able to relate to Lucia. Your marriage may be troubled and you may be wondering if it can still be saved. If such is the case, you will find it helpful to consider this question: Have I followed all the good advice that God has given in the Bible to help make marriage a success?—Psalm 119:105.
3. While divorce has become popular, what reaction is reported among many divorced persons and their families?
3 When tensions are high between husband and wife, dissolving the marriage may seem to be the easiest course of action. But, while many countries have experienced a shocking rise in broken families, recent studies indicate that a large percentage of divorced men and women regret the breakup. A number suffer from more health problems, both physical and mental, than do those who stay with their marriage. The confusion and unhappiness of children of divorce often last for years. Parents and friends of the broken family also suffer. And what about the way God, the Originator of marriage, views the situation?
4. How should problems in a marriage be handled?
4 As noted in previous chapters, God purposed that marriage should be a lifelong bond. (Genesis 2:24) Why, then, do so many marriages break up? It may not happen overnight. Usually there are warning signs. Small problems in a marriage can grow bigger and bigger until they seem insurmountable. But if these problems are promptly handled with the aid of the Bible, many marital breakups could be avoided.
BE REALISTIC
5. What realistic situation should be faced in any marriage?
5 An element that sometimes leads to problems is the unrealistic expectations that one or both of the marriage partners may have. Romance novels, popular magazines, television programs, and movies can create hopes and dreams that are far removed from real life. When these dreams do not come true, a person can feel cheated, dissatisfied, even bitter. How, though, can two imperfect people find happiness in marriage? It takes work to achieve a successful relationship.
6. (a) What balanced view of marriage does the Bible give? (b) What are some reasons for disagreements in marriage?
6 The Bible is practical. It acknowledges the joys of marriage, but it also warns that those who marry “will have tribulation in their flesh.” (1 Corinthians 7:28) As already noted, both partners are imperfect and are prone to sin. The mental and emotional makeup and the upbringing of each partner are different. Couples sometimes disagree about money, children, and in-laws. Insufficient time to do things together and sexual problems can also be a source of conflict.b It takes time to address such matters, but take heart! Most married couples are able to face such problems and work out mutually acceptable solutions.
DISCUSS DIFFERENCES
7, 8. If there are hurt feelings or misunderstandings between marriage partners, what is the Scriptural way of handling them?
7 Many find it difficult to remain calm when they discuss hurt feelings, misunderstandings, or personal failings. Instead of straightforwardly saying: “I feel misunderstood,” a spouse may get emotional and exaggerate the problem. Many will say: “You only care for yourself,” or, “You don’t love me.” Not wanting to get involved in an argument, the other spouse may refuse to respond.
8 A better course to follow is to heed the Bible’s counsel: “Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with you in a provoked state.” (Ephesians 4:26) One happily married couple, on reaching their 60th wedding anniversary, were asked the secret of their successful marriage. The husband said: “We learned not to go to sleep without settling differences, no matter how minor they may have been.”
9. (a) What is identified in the Scriptures as a vital part of communication? (b) What do marriage mates often need to do, even if this takes courage and humility?
9 When a husband and wife disagree, each one needs to “be swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” (James 1:19) After listening carefully, both partners might see the need to apologize. (James 5:16) Saying with sincerity, “Sorry for hurting you,” takes humility and courage. But handling differences in this manner will go a long way in helping a married couple not only to solve their problems but also to develop a warmth and intimacy that will make them find more pleasure in each other’s company.
RENDERING THE MARRIAGE DUE
10. What protection recommended by Paul to Corinthian Christians might apply to a Christian today?
10 When the apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians, he recommended marriage ‘because of the prevalence of fornication.’ (1 Corinthians 7:2) The world today is as bad as, or even worse than, ancient Corinth. The immoral topics that people of the world openly discuss, the immodest way they dress, and the sensual stories featured in magazines and books, on TV, and in the movies, all combine to excite illicit sexual appetites. To the Corinthians living in a similar environment, the apostle Paul said: “It is better to marry than to be inflamed with passion.”—1 Corinthians 7:9.
11, 12. (a) What do the husband and wife owe to each other, and in what spirit should it be rendered? (b) How should the situation be handled if the marriage due has to be temporarily suspended?
11 Therefore, the Bible commands married Christians: “Let the husband render to his wife her due; but let the wife also do likewise to her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:3) Notice that the emphasis is on giving —not on demanding. Physical intimacy in marriage is truly satisfying only if each partner is concerned about the good of the other. For example, the Bible commands husbands to deal with their wives “according to knowledge.” (1 Peter 3:7) This is particularly true in giving and receiving the marriage due. If a wife is not treated tenderly, she may find it difficult to enjoy this aspect of marriage.
12 There are times when marriage mates may have to deprive each other of the marriage due. This might be true of the wife at certain times of the month or when she is feeling very tired. (Compare Leviticus 18:19.) It may be true of the husband when he is dealing with a serious problem at work and feels emotionally drained. Such cases of temporary suspension of rendering the marriage due are best handled if both partners frankly discuss the situation and agree by “mutual consent.” (1 Corinthians 7:5) This will prevent either partner from jumping to wrong conclusions. If, though, a wife willfully deprives her husband or if a husband deliberately fails to render the marriage due in a loving way, the partner may be left open to temptation. In such a situation, problems may arise in a marriage.
13. How can Christians work to keep their thinking clean?
13 Like all Christians, married servants of God must avoid pornography, which can create unclean and unnatural desires. (Colossians 3:5) They must also guard their thoughts and actions when dealing with all members of the opposite sex. Jesus warned: “Everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) By applying the Bible’s counsel regarding sex, couples should be able to avoid falling into temptation and committing adultery. They can continue to enjoy delightful intimacy in a marriage in which sex is treasured as a wholesome gift from the Originator of marriage, Jehovah.—Proverbs 5:15-19.
THE BIBLICAL GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE
14. What sad situation sometimes presents itself? Why?
14 Happily, in most Christian marriages, any problems that arise can be handled. Sometimes, though, this is not the case. Because humans are imperfect and live in a sinful world that is under the control of Satan, some marriages do reach the breaking point. (1 John 5:19) How should Christians deal with such a trying situation?
15. (a) What is the only Scriptural basis for divorce with the possibility of remarriage? (b) Why have some decided against divorcing an unfaithful marriage mate?
15 As mentioned in Chapter 2 of this book, fornication is the only Scriptural ground for divorce with the possibility of remarriage.c (Matthew 19:9) If you have definite proof that your marriage mate has been unfaithful, then you face a difficult decision. Will you continue in the marriage or get a divorce? There are no rules. Some Christians have completely forgiven a genuinely repentant partner, and the preserved marriage has turned out well. Others have decided against divorce for the sake of the children.
16. (a) What are some factors that have moved some to divorce their erring marriage mate? (b) When an innocent mate makes a decision to divorce or not to divorce, why should no one criticize that one’s decision?
16 On the other hand, the sinful act may have resulted in pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease. Or perhaps the children need to be protected from a sexually abusive parent. Clearly, there is much to consider before making a decision. If, however, you learn of the infidelity of your marriage partner and afterward resume sexual relations with your mate, you thus indicate that you have forgiven your mate and desire to continue in the marriage. Grounds for divorce with the Scriptural possibility of remarriage no longer exist. No one should be a busybody and try to influence your decision, nor should anyone criticize your decision when you make it. You will have to live with the consequences of what you decide. “Each one will carry his own load.”—Galatians 6:5.
GROUNDS FOR SEPARATION
17. If there is no fornication, what limitations do the Scriptures place on separation or divorce?
17 Are there situations that may justify separation or possibly divorce from a marriage mate even if that one has not committed fornication? Yes, but in such a case, a Christian is not free to pursue a third party with a view to remarriage. (Matthew 5:32) The Bible, while making allowances for such separation, stipulates that the one departing should “remain unmarried or else make up again.” (1 Corinthians 7:11) What are some extreme situations that may make a separation seem advisable?
18, 19. What are some of the extreme situations that may lead a spouse to weigh the advisability of legal separation or divorce, even though remarriage is not a possibility?
18 Well, the family may become destitute because of the gross laziness and bad habits of the husband.d He may gamble away the family’s income or use it to support an addiction to drugs or alcohol. The Bible states: “If anyone does not provide for . . . members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith.” (1 Timothy 5:8) If such a man refuses to change his ways, perhaps even financing his vices by taking money that his wife earns, the wife may choose to protect her welfare and that of her children by obtaining a legal separation.
19 Such legal action may also be considered if a spouse is extremely violent toward the partner, perhaps repeatedly beating that one to the extent that health and even life are in danger. Additionally, if a spouse constantly tries to force a marriage mate to break God’s commands in some way, the threatened mate may also consider separation, especially if matters reach the point where spiritual life is endangered. The partner at risk may conclude that the only way to “obey God as ruler rather than men” is to obtain a legal separation.—Acts 5:29.
20. (a) In the case of a family breakup, what may mature friends and elders offer, and what should they not offer? (b) Married individuals should not use the Bible’s references to separation and divorce as an excuse to do what?
20 In all cases of extreme spousal abuse, no one should put pressure on the innocent mate either to separate or to stay with the other. While mature friends and elders may offer support and Bible-based counsel, these cannot know all the details of what goes on between a husband and wife. Only Jehovah can see that. Of course, a Christian wife would not be honoring God’s marriage arrangement if she used flimsy excuses to get out of a marriage. But if an extremely dangerous situation persists, no one should criticize her if she chooses to separate. Exactly the same things could be said concerning a Christian husband who seeks separation. “We shall all stand before the judgment seat of God.”—Romans 14:10.
HOW A BROKEN MARRIAGE WAS SAVED
21. What experience shows that the Bible’s counsel on marriage works?
21 Three months after Lucia, mentioned earlier, separated from her husband, she met Jehovah’s Witnesses and started to study the Bible with them. “To my great surprise,” she explains, “the Bible supplied practical solutions to my problem. After just one week of study, I immediately wanted to make up with my husband. Today I can say that Jehovah knows how to save marriages in crisis because his teachings help mates learn how to feel esteem for each other. It is not true, as some assert, that Jehovah’s Witnesses divide families. In my case, exactly the opposite was true.” Lucia learned to apply Bible principles in her life.
22. In what should all married couples have confidence?
22 Lucia is not an exception. Marriage should be a blessing, not a burden. To that end, Jehovah has provided the finest source of marriage counsel ever written—his precious Word. The Bible can make “the inexperienced one wise.” (Psalm 19:7-11) It has saved many marriages that were at the breaking point and has improved many others that had serious problems. May all married couples have full confidence in the marriage counsel that Jehovah God supplies. It really works!
a Name has been changed.
b Some of these areas were dealt with in previous chapters.
c The Bible term translated “fornication” includes acts of adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, and other willful illicit acts involving use of the sex organs.
d This does not include situations in which a husband, although well-intentioned, is unable to provide for his family for reasons beyond his control, such as sickness or lack of employment opportunities.
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Growing Older TogetherThe Secret of Family Happiness
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CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Growing Older Together
1, 2. (a) What changes occur as old age approaches? (b) How did godly men of Bible times find satisfaction in old age?
MANY changes occur as we grow older. Physical weakness saps our vigor. A look in the mirror reveals new wrinkles and a gradual loss of hair color—even of hair. We may suffer some memory failure. New relationships develop when the children marry, and again when grandchildren arrive. For some, retirement from secular work results in a different routine of life.
2 In truth, advancing years can be trialsome. (Ecclesiastes 12:1-8) Still, consider God’s servants in Bible times. Although they finally succumbed to death, they gained both wisdom and understanding, which brought them great satisfaction in old age. (Genesis 25:8; 35:29; Job 12:12; 42:17) How did they succeed in growing older happily? Surely it was by living in harmony with the principles that we today find recorded in the Bible.—Psalm 119:105; 2 Timothy 3:16, 17.
3. What counsel did Paul give for older men and women?
3 In his letter to Titus, the apostle Paul offered sound guidance to those who are getting older. He wrote: “Let the aged men be moderate in habits, serious, sound in mind, healthy in faith, in love, in endurance. Likewise let the aged women be reverent in behavior, not slanderous, neither enslaved to a lot of wine, teachers of what is good.” (Titus 2:2, 3) Heeding these words can help you to face the challenges of growing older.
ADAPT TO YOUR CHILDREN’S INDEPENDENCE
4, 5. How do many parents react when their children leave home, and how do some adjust to the new situation?
4 Changing roles call for adaptability. How true this proves to be when adult children leave home and get married! For many parents this is the first reminder that they are getting old. Though happy that their offspring have come of age, parents often worry about whether they did all they could to prepare the children for independence. And they may miss having them around the house.
5 Understandably, parents continue to concern themselves with the welfare of their children, even after the children leave home. “If I could only hear from them often, to reassure myself that they are all right—that would make me happy,” said one mother. A father relates: “When our daughter left home, it was a very difficult time. It left a great gap in our family because we had always done everything together.” How have these parents coped with the absence of their children? In many cases, by reaching out and helping other people.
6. What helps to keep family relationships in their proper perspective?
6 When children get married, the role of the parents changes. Genesis 2:24 states: “A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.” A recognition of the godly principles of headship and good order will help parents to keep things in their proper perspective.—1 Corinthians 11:3; 14:33, 40.
7. What fine attitude did one father cultivate when his daughters left home to get married?
7 After a couple’s two daughters married and moved away, the couple felt a void in their lives. At first, the husband resented his sons-in-law. But as he reflected on the principle of headship, he realized that his daughters’ husbands were now responsible for their respective households. Therefore, when his daughters requested advice, he asked them what their husbands thought, and then he made sure to be as supportive as possible. His sons-in-law now view him as a friend and welcome his counsel.
8, 9. How have some parents adapted to the independence of their grown children?
8 What if newlyweds, while not doing anything unscriptural, fail to do what the parents think is best? “We always help them to see Jehovah’s point of view,” explain one couple who have married children, “but if we do not agree with a decision of theirs, we accept it and give them our support and encouragement.”
9 In certain Asian lands, some mothers find it particularly difficult to accept their sons’ independence. However, if they respect Christian order and headship, they find that friction with their daughters-in-law is minimized. One Christian woman finds that the departure of her sons from the family home has been a “source of ever-increasing gratitude.” She is thrilled to see their ability to manage their new households. In turn, this has meant a lightening of the physical and mental load that she and her husband have to bear as they get older.
REINVIGORATING YOUR MARRIAGE BOND
10, 11. What Scriptural counsel will help people avoid some of the snares of middle age?
10 People react in various ways to reaching middle age. Some men dress differently in an attempt to appear younger. Many women worry about the changes that menopause brings. Sadly, some middle-aged persons provoke their mates to resentment and jealousy by flirting with younger members of the opposite sex. Godly older men, though, are “sound in mind,” curbing improper desires. (1 Peter 4:7) Mature women likewise work to maintain the stability of their marriages, out of love for their husbands and a desire to please Jehovah.
11 Under inspiration, King Lemuel recorded praise for the “capable wife” who rewards her husband “with good, and not bad, all the days of her life.” A Christian husband will not fail to appreciate how his wife strives to cope with any emotional upset she experiences during her middle years. His love will prompt him to ‘praise her.’—Proverbs 31:10, 12, 28.
12. How can couples grow closer together as the years pass?
12 During the busy child-rearing years, both of you may have gladly put aside your personal desires to attend to your children’s needs. After their departure it is time to refocus your married life. “When my daughters left home,” says one husband, “I began courtship with my wife all over again.” Another husband says: “We keep an eye on each other’s health and remind each other of the need for exercise.” So as not to feel lonely, he and his wife show hospitality to other members of the congregation. Yes, showing interest in others brings blessings. Moreover, it pleases Jehovah.—Philippians 2:4; Hebrews 13:2, 16.
13. What part do openness and honesty play as a couple grow older together?
13 Do not allow a communication gap to develop between you and your spouse. Talk together freely. (Proverbs 17:27) “We deepen our understanding of each other by caring and being considerate,” comments one husband. His wife agrees, saying: “As we have grown older, we have come to enjoy having tea together, conversing, and cooperating with each other.” Your being open and honest can help cement your marriage bond, giving it a resilience that will thwart the attacks of Satan, the marriage wrecker.
ENJOY YOUR GRANDCHILDREN
14. What part did Timothy’s grandmother evidently play in his growing up as a Christian?
14 Grandchildren are “the crown” of the elderly. (Proverbs 17:6) The companionship of grandchildren can truly be a delight—lively and refreshing. The Bible speaks well of Lois, a grandmother who, with her daughter Eunice, shared her beliefs with her infant grandson Timothy. This youngster grew up knowing that both his mother and his grandmother valued Bible truth.—2 Timothy 1:5; 3:14, 15.
15. With regard to grandchildren, what valuable contribution can grandparents make, but what should they avoid?
15 Here, then, is a special area in which grandparents can make a most valuable contribution. Grandparents, you have already shared your knowledge of Jehovah’s purposes with your children. Now you can do likewise with yet another generation! Many young children thrill to hear their grandparents recount Bible stories. Of course, you do not take over the father’s responsibility to inculcate Bible truths in his children. (Deuteronomy 6:7) Rather, you complement this. May your prayer be that of the psalmist: “Even until old age and gray-headedness, O God, do not leave me, until I may tell about your arm to the generation, to all those who are to come, about your mightiness.”—Psalm 71:18; 78:5, 6.
16. How can grandparents avoid being the cause of strain developing in their family?
16 Sadly, some grandparents so spoil the little ones that tensions develop between the grandparents and their grown children. However, your sincere kindness may perhaps make it easy for your grandchildren to confide in you when they do not feel inclined to reveal matters to their parents. Sometimes the youngsters hope that their indulgent grandparents will side with them against their parents. What then? Exercise wisdom and encourage your grandchildren to be open with their parents. You can explain that this pleases Jehovah. (Ephesians 6:1-3) If necessary, you may volunteer to pave the way for the youngsters’ approach by speaking with their parents. Be frank with your grandchildren about what you have learned over the years. Your honesty and candor can benefit them.
ADJUST AS YOU AGE
17. What determination of the psalmist should aging Christians imitate?
17 As the years roll by, you will find that you cannot do all that you used to or all that you want to. How does one come to terms with the aging process? In your mind you may feel 30 years old, but a glance in the mirror betrays a different reality. Do not be discouraged. The psalmist beseeched Jehovah: “Do not throw me away in the time of old age; just when my power is failing, do not leave me.” Make it your resolve to imitate the psalmist’s determination. He said: “I shall wait constantly, and I will add to all your praise.”—Psalm 71:9, 14.
18. How can a mature Christian make valuable use of retirement?
18 Many have prepared in advance to increase their praise to Jehovah after retirement from secular work. “I planned ahead what I would do when our daughter left school,” explains one father who is now retired. “I determined that I would start in the full-time preaching ministry, and I sold my business in order to be free to serve Jehovah more fully. I prayed for God’s direction.” If you are nearing the age of retirement, draw comfort from the declaration of our Grand Creator: “Even to one’s old age I am the same One; and to one’s gray-headedness I myself shall keep bearing up.”—Isaiah 46:4.
19. What counsel is given for those who are growing old?
19 Adapting to retirement from secular work may not be easy. The apostle Paul counseled aged men to be “moderate in habits.” This calls for general restraint, not giving in to the inclination to seek a life of ease. There may be an even greater need for a routine and self-discipline after retirement than before. Be busy, then, “always having plenty to do in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in connection with the Lord.” (1 Corinthians 15:58) Widen out your activities to help others. (2 Corinthians 6:13) Many Christians do this by zealously preaching the good news at an adjusted pace. As you grow older, be “healthy in faith, in love, in endurance.”—Titus 2:2.
HANDLING THE LOSS OF YOUR SPOUSE
20, 21. (a) In the present system of things, what must eventually separate a married couple? (b) How does Anna provide a fine example for bereaved spouses?
20 It is a sad but true fact that in the present system of things, married couples are eventually separated by death. Bereaved Christian spouses know that their loved ones are now sleeping, and they are confident that they will see them again. (John 11:11, 25) But the loss is still grievous. How can the surviving one deal with it?a
21 Bearing in mind what a certain Bible character did will help. Anna was widowed after only seven years of marriage, and when we read of her, she was 84 years old. We can be sure that she grieved when she lost her husband. How did she cope? She rendered sacred service to Jehovah God at the temple night and day. (Luke 2:36-38) Anna’s life of prayerful service was undoubtedly a great antidote to the sorrow and loneliness she felt as a widow.
22. How have some widows and widowers coped with loneliness?
22 “The biggest challenge for me has been having no partner to talk to,” explains a 72-year-old woman who was widowed ten years ago. “My husband was a good listener. We would talk about the congregation and our share in the Christian ministry.” Another widow says: “Although time heals, I have found it more accurate to say that it is what one does with one’s time that helps one to heal. You are in a better position to help others.” A 67-year-old widower agrees, saying: “A wonderful way to cope with bereavement is to give of yourself in comforting others.”
VALUED BY GOD IN OLD AGE
23, 24. What great comfort does the Bible give for aged ones, particularly those who have been widowed?
23 Though death takes away a beloved mate, Jehovah remains ever faithful, ever sure. “One thing I have asked from Jehovah,” sang King David of old, “it is what I shall look for, that I may dwell in the house of Jehovah all the days of my life, to behold the pleasantness of Jehovah and to look with appreciation upon his temple.”—Psalm 27:4.
24 “Honor widows that are actually widows,” urges the apostle Paul. (1 Timothy 5:3) The counsel that follows this instruction indicates that worthy widows without close relatives may have needed material support from the congregation. Nevertheless, the sense of the instruction to “honor” includes the idea of valuing them. What comfort godly widows and widowers can draw from the knowledge that Jehovah values them and will sustain them!—James 1:27.
25. What goal still remains for the elderly?
25 “The splendor of old men is their gray-headedness,” God’s inspired Word declares. It is “a crown of beauty when it is found in the way of righteousness.” (Proverbs 16:31; 20:29) Continue, then, whether married or single once again, to keep Jehovah’s service first in your life. You will thus have a good name with God now and the prospect of eternal life in a world where the pains of old age will be no more.—Psalm 37:3-5; Isaiah 65:20.
a For a more detailed discussion of this subject, see the brochure When Someone You Love Dies, published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc.
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Honoring Our Elderly ParentsThe Secret of Family Happiness
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CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Honoring Our Elderly Parents
1. What debts do we owe our parents, and therefore how should we feel and act toward them?
“LISTEN to your father who caused your birth, and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old,” counseled the wise man of long ago. (Proverbs 23:22) ‘I would never do that!’ you may say. Instead of despising our mothers—or our fathers—most of us feel a deep love for them. We recognize that we owe them a great deal. First of all, our parents gave us life. While Jehovah is the Source of life, without our parents we simply would not exist. Nothing we can give our parents is as precious as life itself. Then, just think of the self-sacrifice, anxious care, expense, and loving attention involved in helping a child along the path from infancy to adulthood. How reasonable it is, therefore, that God’s Word counsels: “Honor your father and your mother . . . that it may go well with you and you may endure a long time on the earth”!—Ephesians 6:2, 3.
RECOGNIZING EMOTIONAL NEEDS
2. How can grown children pay “due compensation” to their parents?
2 The apostle Paul wrote to Christians: “Let [children or grandchildren] learn first to practice godly devotion in their own household and to keep paying a due compensation to their parents and grandparents, for this is acceptable in God’s sight.” (1 Timothy 5:4) Grown children offer this “due compensation” by showing appreciation for the years of love, work, and care that their parents and grandparents spent on them. One way children can do this is by recognizing that like everyone else, older ones need love and reassurance—often desperately so. Like all of us, they need to feel valued. They need to feel that their lives are worthwhile.
3. How can we honor parents and grandparents?
3 So we can honor our parents and grandparents by letting them know that we love them. (1 Corinthians 16:14) If our parents are not living with us, we should remember that hearing from us can mean a great deal to them. A cheerful letter, a phone call, or a visit can greatly contribute to their joy. Miyo, who lives in Japan, wrote when she was 82 years of age: “My daughter [whose husband is a traveling minister] tells me: ‘Mother, please “travel” with us.’ She sends me their scheduled route and telephone number for each week. I can open my map and say: ‘Ah. Now they are here!’ I always thank Jehovah for the blessing of having such a child.”
ASSISTING WITH MATERIAL NEEDS
4. How did Jewish religious tradition encourage callousness toward elderly parents?
4 Might honoring one’s parents also involve caring for their material needs? Yes. It often does. In Jesus’ day the Jewish religious leaders upheld the tradition that if a person declared that his money or property was “a gift dedicated to God,” he was freed from the responsibility to use it to care for his parents. (Matthew 15:3-6) How callous! In effect, those religious leaders were encouraging people not to honor their parents but to treat them with contempt by selfishly denying their needs. Never do we want to do that!—Deuteronomy 27:16.
5. Despite provisions made by the governments of some lands, why does honoring one’s parents sometimes include giving financial help?
5 In many lands today, government-supported social programs provide for some of the material needs of the elderly, such as food, clothing, and shelter. In addition to that, the elderly themselves may have been able to make some provision for their old age. But if these provisions run out or prove inadequate, children honor their parents by doing what they can to meet parental needs. In fact, caring for aged parents is an evidence of godly devotion, that is, one’s devotion to Jehovah God, the Originator of the family arrangement.
LOVE AND SELF-SACRIFICE
6. What living arrangements have some made in order to care for the needs of their parents?
6 Many adult children have responded to the needs of their infirm parents with love and self-sacrifice. Some have taken their parents into their own homes or have moved to be near them. Others have moved in with their parents. Frequently, such arrangements have proved to be a blessing to both parents and children.
7. Why is it good not to act hastily in making decisions regarding elderly parents?
7 Sometimes, though, such moves do not turn out well. Why? Perhaps because decisions are made too hastily or are based solely on emotion. “The shrewd one considers his steps,” the Bible wisely cautions. (Proverbs 14:15) For example, suppose that your elderly mother is having difficulty living alone and you think she might benefit by moving in with you. In shrewdly considering your steps, you might consider the following: What are her actual needs? Are there private or state-sponsored support services that offer an acceptable alternative solution? Does she want to move? If she does, in what ways will her life be affected? Will she have to leave friends behind? How might this affect her emotionally? Have you talked these things over with her? How might such a move affect you, your mate, your own children? If your mother needs care, who will provide it? Can the responsibility be shared? Have you discussed the matter with all those directly involved?
8. Whom may you be able to consult when deciding how to help your elderly parents?
8 Since the responsibility for care rests with all children in a family, it may be wise to hold a family conference so that all may share in making decisions. Talking to the elders in the Christian congregation or to friends who have faced a similar situation may also be helpful. “There is a frustrating of plans where there is no confidential talk,” warns the Bible, “but in the multitude of counselors there is accomplishment.”—Proverbs 15:22.
BE EMPATHETIC AND UNDERSTANDING
9, 10. (a) Despite their advancing age, what consideration should be given to elderly ones? (b) Whatever steps a grown child takes in behalf of his parents, what should he always give them?
9 Honoring our elderly parents requires empathy and understanding. As the years take their toll, older ones may find it increasingly difficult to walk, eat, and remember. They may need help. Often the children become protective and try to provide guidance. But the elderly are adults with a lifetime of accumulated wisdom and experience, a lifetime of caring for themselves and making their own decisions. Their identity and self-respect may center on their role as parents and adults. Parents who feel they must hand over control of their lives to their children may become depressed or angry. Some resent and resist what they may see as efforts to rob them of their independence.
10 There are no easy solutions to such problems, but it is a kindness to allow elderly parents to look after themselves and make their own decisions to the extent possible. It is wise not to make decisions about what is best for your parents without talking to them first. They may have lost much. Allow them to keep what they still have. You may find that the less you try to control your parents’ lives, the better your relationship with them will be. They will be happier, and so will you. Even if it is necessary to insist on certain things for their good, honoring your parents requires that you afford them the dignity and respect they deserve. God’s Word counsels: “Before gray hair you should rise up, and you must show consideration for the person of an old man.”—Leviticus 19:32.
MAINTAINING THE RIGHT ATTITUDE
11-13. If an adult child’s relationship with his parents has not been good in the past, how can he still handle the challenge of caring for them in their advanced years?
11 Sometimes a problem that adult children face in honoring their aged parents involves the relationship they had with their parents in earlier times. Perhaps your father was cold and unloving, your mother domineering and harsh. You may still feel frustrated, angry, or hurt because they were not the parents you wanted them to be. Can you overcome such feelings?a
12 Basse, who grew up in Finland, relates: “My stepfather had been an SS officer in Nazi Germany. He easily lost his temper, and then he was dangerous. He beat up my mother many times in front of my eyes. Once when he was angry with me, he swung his belt and hit me in the face with the buckle. It hit me so hard that I tumbled over the bed.”
13 Yet, there was another side to the picture. Basse adds: “On the other hand, he worked very hard and did not spare himself in caring for the family materially. He never showed me fatherly affection, but I knew that he was emotionally scarred. His mother had thrown him out when he was a young boy. He grew up with his fists and entered the war as a young man. I could understand to some degree and did not blame him. When I grew older, I wanted to help him as much as I could up until his death. It was not easy, but I did what I could. I tried to be a good son to the end, and I think he accepted me as that.”
14. What scripture applies in all situations, including those that arise in caring for elderly parents?
14 In family situations, as in other matters, the Bible counsel applies: “Clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering. Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave you, so do you also.”—Colossians 3:12, 13.
CAREGIVERS NEED CARE TOO
15. Why is caring for parents sometimes distressing?
15 Caring for an infirm parent is hard work, involving many tasks, much responsibility, and long hours. But the most difficult part is often emotional. It is distressing to watch your parents lose their health, memory, and independence. Sandy, who comes from Puerto Rico, relates: “My mother was the nucleus of our family. It was very painful to care for her. First she started limping; then she needed a cane, then a walker, then a wheelchair. After that it was downhill until she passed away. She developed bone cancer and needed constant care—day and night. We bathed her and fed her and read to her. It was very difficult—especially emotionally. When I realized that my mother was dying, I cried because I loved her so much.”
16, 17. What advice may help a caregiver to keep a balanced view of things?
16 If you find yourself in a similar situation, what can you do to cope? Listening to Jehovah by Bible reading and speaking to him through prayer will help you greatly. (Philippians 4:6, 7) In a practical way, make sure that you eat balanced meals and try to get adequate sleep. By doing this, you will be in a better condition, both emotionally and physically, to take care of your loved one. Perhaps you can arrange an occasional break from the daily routine. Even if a vacation is not possible, it is still wise to schedule some time for relaxation. In order to get time away, you may be able to arrange for someone else to stay with your ailing parent.
17 It is not unusual for adult caregivers to have unreasonable expectations of themselves. But do not feel guilty for what you cannot do. In some circumstances you may need to entrust your loved one to the care of a nursing home. If you are a caregiver, set reasonable expectations for yourself. You must balance the needs not only of your parents but also of your children, your spouse, and yourself.
STRENGTH BEYOND WHAT IS NORMAL
18, 19. What promise of support has Jehovah made, and what experience shows that he keeps this promise?
18 Through his Word, the Bible, Jehovah lovingly provides guidance that can greatly aid a person in caring for aging parents, but that is not the only help he provides. “Jehovah is near to all those calling upon him,” wrote the psalmist under inspiration. “Their cry for help he will hear, and he will save them.” Jehovah will save, or preserve, his faithful ones through even the most difficult situations.—Psalm 145:18, 19.
19 Myrna, in the Philippines, learned this when caring for her mother, who was made helpless by a stroke. “There is nothing more depressing than to see your loved one suffer, unable to tell you where it hurts,” writes Myrna. “It was just like seeing her drown little by little, and there was nothing I could do. Many times I would bend my knees and talk to Jehovah about how tired I was. I cried out like David, who beseeched Jehovah to place his tears in a bottle and remember him. [Psalm 56:8] And as Jehovah promised, he gave me the strength I needed. ‘Jehovah came to be as a support for me.’”—Psalm 18:18.
20. What Bible promises help caregivers to keep optimistic, even if the one they are looking after dies?
20 It has been said that caring for aging parents is a “story without a happy ending.” Despite even the best efforts at caregiving, older ones may die, as did Myrna’s mother. But those who trust in Jehovah know that death is not the end of the story. The apostle Paul said: “I have hope toward God . . . that there is going to be a resurrection of both the righteous and the unrighteous.” (Acts 24:15) Those who have lost elderly parents in death take comfort in the resurrection hope along with the promise of a delightful new world of God’s making in which “death will be no more.”—Revelation 21:4.
21. What good results come from honoring elderly parents?
21 Servants of God have deep regard for their parents, even though these may have grown old. (Proverbs 23:22-24) They honor them. In doing so, they experience what the inspired proverb says: “Your father and your mother will rejoice, and she that gave birth to you will be joyful.” (Proverbs 23:25) And most of all, those who honor their elderly parents also please and honor Jehovah God.
a We are not here discussing situations in which parents were guilty of extreme abuse of their power and trust, to what may be viewed as a criminal degree.
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Secure a Lasting Future for Your FamilyThe Secret of Family Happiness
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CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Secure a Lasting Future for Your Family
1. What was Jehovah’s purpose for the family arrangement?
WHEN Jehovah united Adam and Eve in marriage, Adam expressed his joy by speaking the earliest recorded Hebrew poetry. (Genesis 2:22, 23) However, the Creator had more in mind than merely bringing pleasure to his human children. He wanted married couples and families to do his will. He told the first pair: “Be fruitful and become many and fill the earth and subdue it, and have in subjection the fish of the sea and the flying creatures of the heavens and every living creature that is moving upon the earth.” (Genesis 1:28) What a grand, rewarding assignment that was! How happy they and their future children would have been if Adam and Eve had done Jehovah’s will in full obedience!
2, 3. How can families find the greatest happiness today?
2 Today, too, families are happiest when they work together to do God’s will. The apostle Paul wrote: “Godly devotion is beneficial for all things, as it holds promise of the life now and that which is to come.” (1 Timothy 4:8) A family that lives with godly devotion and that follows Jehovah’s guidance as contained in the Bible will find happiness in “the life now.” (Psalm 1:1-3; 119:105; 2 Timothy 3:16) Even if only one member of a family applies Bible principles, things are better than if no one does.
3 This book has discussed many Bible principles that contribute to family happiness. Likely you have noticed that some of them appear repeatedly throughout the book. Why? Because they represent powerful truths that work for the good of all in various aspects of family life. A family that strives to apply these Bible principles finds that godly devotion really does ‘hold promise of the life now.’ Let us look again at four of those important principles.
THE VALUE OF SELF-CONTROL
4. Why is self-control vital in a marriage?
4 King Solomon said: “As a city broken through, without a wall, is the man that has no restraint for his spirit.” (Proverbs 25:28; 29:11) ‘Restraining one’s spirit,’ exercising self-control, is vital for those who want a happy marriage. Surrendering to destructive emotions, such as rage or immoral lust, will cause damage that takes years to repair—if it can be repaired at all.
5. How can an imperfect human cultivate self-control, and with what benefits?
5 Of course, no descendant of Adam can fully control his imperfect flesh. (Romans 7:21, 22) Still, self-control is a fruit of the spirit. (Galatians 5:22, 23) Hence, God’s spirit will produce self-control in us if we pray for this quality, if we apply the appropriate counsel that is found in the Scriptures, and if we associate with others who manifest it and avoid those who do not. (Psalm 119:100, 101, 130; Proverbs 13:20; 1 Peter 4:7) Such a course will help us to “flee from fornication,” even when we are tempted. (1 Corinthians 6:18) We will reject violence and will avoid or conquer alcoholism. And we will deal more calmly with provocations and difficult situations. May all—including children—learn to cultivate this vital fruit of the spirit.—Psalm 119:1, 2.
A PROPER VIEW OF HEADSHIP
6. (a) What is the divinely established order of headship? (b) What must a man remember if his headship is to bring happiness to his family?
6 The second important principle is recognition of headship. Paul described the proper order of things when he said: “I want you to know that the head of every man is the Christ; in turn the head of a woman is the man; in turn the head of the Christ is God.” (1 Corinthians 11:3) This means that a man takes the lead in the family, his wife is loyally supportive, and the children are obedient to their parents. (Ephesians 5:22-25, 28-33; 6:1-4) Notice, though, that headship leads to happiness only when it is handled in a proper way. Husbands who live with godly devotion know that headship is not dictatorship. They imitate Jesus, their Head. Although Jesus was to be “head over all things,” he “came, not to be ministered to, but to minister.” (Ephesians 1:22; Matthew 20:28) In a similar way, a Christian man exercises headship, not to benefit himself, but to care for the interests of his wife and children.—1 Corinthians 13:4, 5.
7. What Scriptural principles will help a wife fulfill her God-ordained role in the family?
7 For her part, the wife who lives with godly devotion does not compete with or seek to dominate her husband. She is happy to be supportive of him and to work with him. The Bible sometimes speaks of the wife as being “owned” by her husband, leaving no doubt that he is her head. (Genesis 20:3) Through marriage she comes under “the law of her husband.” (Romans 7:2) At the same time, the Bible calls her a “helper” and a “complement.” (Genesis 2:20) She supplies qualities and abilities that her husband lacks, and she gives him needed support. (Proverbs 31:10-31) The Bible also says that a wife is a “partner,” one who works side by side with her mate. (Malachi 2:14) These Scriptural principles help a husband and a wife to appreciate each other’s position and to treat each other with proper respect and dignity.
“BE SWIFT ABOUT HEARING”
8, 9. Explain some principles that will help all in the family to improve their communication skills.
8 In this book the need for communication is frequently highlighted. Why? Because things work better when people talk to and really listen to each other. It was repeatedly emphasized that communication is a two-way street. The disciple James expressed it this way: “Every man must be swift about hearing, slow about speaking.”—James 1:19.
9 It is also important to be careful about how we speak. Rash, contentious, or severely critical words do not constitute successful communication. (Proverbs 15:1; 21:9; 29:11, 20) Even when what we say is correct, if it is expressed in a cruel, proud, or insensitive manner, it is likely to do more harm than good. Our speech should be tasteful, “seasoned with salt.” (Colossians 4:6) Our words should be like “apples of gold in silver carvings.” (Proverbs 25:11) Families that learn to communicate well have taken a major stride toward achieving happiness.
THE VITAL ROLE OF LOVE
10. What kind of love is vital in marriage?
10 The word “love” appears repeatedly throughout this book. Do you remember the kind of love primarily referred to? It is true that romantic love (Greek, eʹros) plays an important part in marriage, and in successful marriages, deep affection and friendship (Greek, phi·liʹa) grow between a husband and a wife. But even more important is the love represented by the Greek word a·gaʹpe. This is the love that we cultivate for Jehovah, for Jesus, and for our neighbor. (Matthew 22:37-39) It is the love Jehovah expresses toward mankind. (John 3:16) How wonderful that we can show the same kind of love for our marriage mate and children!—1 John 4:19.
11. How does love work for the good of a marriage?
11 In marriage this elevated love is truly “a perfect bond of union.” (Colossians 3:14) It binds a couple together and makes them want to do what is best for each other and for their children. When families face difficult situations, love helps them to handle things unitedly. As a couple get older, love helps them to support and continue appreciating each other. “Love . . . does not look for its own interests. . . . It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”—1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
12. Why does love for God on the part of a married couple strengthen their marriage?
12 The marriage union is especially strong when it is sealed not just by love between marriage mates but primarily by love for Jehovah. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) Why? Well, the apostle John wrote: “This is what the love of God means, that we observe his commandments.” (1 John 5:3) Thus, a couple should train their children in godly devotion not simply because they love their children deeply but because this is Jehovah’s command. (Deuteronomy 6:6, 7) They should shun immorality not only because they love each other but chiefly because they love Jehovah, who “will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4) Even if one partner causes severe problems in a marriage, love for Jehovah will move the other to continue following Bible principles. Happy, indeed, are those families in which love for one another is cemented by love for Jehovah!
THE FAMILY THAT DOES GOD’S WILL
13. How will a determination to do God’s will help individuals to keep their eyes on the truly important things?
13 A Christian’s whole life is centered on doing the will of God. (Psalm 143:10) This is what godly devotion really means. Doing God’s will helps families to keep their eyes on the truly important things. (Philippians 1:9, 10) For example, Jesus warned: “I came to cause division, with a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a young wife against her mother-in-law. Indeed, a man’s enemies will be persons of his own household.” (Matthew 10:35, 36) True to Jesus’ warning, many of his followers have been persecuted by family members. What a sad, painful situation! Still, family ties should not outweigh our love for Jehovah God and for Jesus Christ. (Matthew 10:37-39) If one endures despite family opposition, the opposers may change when they see the good effects of godly devotion. (1 Corinthians 7:12-16; 1 Peter 3:1, 2) Even if that does not happen, no lasting good is gained by ceasing to serve God because of opposition.
14. How will a desire to do God’s will help parents act in the best interests of their children?
14 Doing God’s will helps parents to make right decisions. For example, in some communities parents tend to view children as an investment, and they count on their children to care for them in their old age. While it is right and proper for grown children to care for their aging parents, such a consideration should not make parents direct their children to a materialistic way of life. Parents do their children no favor if they bring them up to value material possessions more than spiritual things.—1 Timothy 6:9.
15. How was Timothy’s mother, Eunice, an excellent example of a parent who did God’s will?
15 A fine example in this regard is Eunice, the mother of Paul’s young friend Timothy. (2 Timothy 1:5) Although she was married to an unbeliever, Eunice, along with Timothy’s grandmother Lois, successfully raised Timothy to pursue godly devotion. (2 Timothy 3:14, 15) When Timothy was old enough, Eunice allowed him to leave home and take up the Kingdom-preaching work as Paul’s missionary companion. (Acts 16:1-5) How thrilled she must have been when her son became an outstanding missionary! His godly devotion as an adult reflected well on his early training. Surely, Eunice found satisfaction and joy in hearing reports of Timothy’s faithful ministry, even though she probably missed having him with her.—Philippians 2:19, 20.
THE FAMILY AND YOUR FUTURE
16. As a son, what proper concern did Jesus show, but what was his prime objective?
16 Jesus was raised in a godly family and, as an adult, showed a son’s proper concern for his mother. (Luke 2:51, 52; John 19:26) However, Jesus’ prime objective was to fulfill God’s will, and for him this included opening up the way for humans to enjoy everlasting life. This he did when he offered his perfect human life as a ransom for sinful mankind.—Mark 10:45; John 5:28, 29.
17. What glorious prospects did Jesus’ faithful course open up for those who do God’s will?
17 After Jesus’ death, Jehovah raised him to heavenly life and gave him great authority, eventually installing him as King in the heavenly Kingdom. (Matthew 28:18; Romans 14:9; Revelation 11:15) Jesus’ sacrifice made it possible for some humans to be selected to rule with him in that Kingdom. It also opened the way for the rest of righthearted humankind to enjoy perfect life on an earth restored to paradisaic conditions. (Revelation 5:9, 10; 14:1, 4; 21:3-5; 22:1-4) One of the greatest privileges we have today is to tell this glorious good news to our neighbors.—Matthew 24:14.
18. What reminder and what encouragement are given both to families and to individuals?
18 As the apostle Paul showed, living a life of godly devotion holds the promise that people can inherit those blessings in the life “which is to come.” Surely, this is the very best way to find happiness! Remember, “the world is passing away and so is its desire, but he that does the will of God remains forever.” (1 John 2:17) Hence, whether you are a child or a parent, a husband or a wife, or a single adult with or without children, strive to do God’s will. Even when you are under pressure or are faced with extreme difficulties, never forget that you are a servant of the living God. Thus, may your actions bring joy to Jehovah. (Proverbs 27:11) And may your conduct result in happiness for you now and everlasting life in the new world to come!
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