Young People Ask . . .
How Can I Say No to Premarital Sex?
OUR world is saturated with sexual immorality, and there is plenty of pressure for you to participate. Yet, many young people see the painful consequences of premarital sex and want something better for themselves. A nationwide survey by ’Teen magazine revealed that the number one issue about which young people wanted information was: “How to say no to sexual pressure.” Does this mean that the Bible standards of morality are unreachably high? Not at all! Many thousands of young people have successfully remained chaste.
“How will a young man [or woman] cleanse his path?” is the vital question posed at Psalm 119:9. The answer: “By keeping on guard according to your [God’s] word.” But more is needed than head knowledge. “You know in your mind what the Bible says about immoral sex,” confessed one young woman. “But your heart keeps pushing these reasons into the back of your mind.” Appropriately, the psalmist continued: “In my heart I have treasured up your saying, in order that I may not sin against you.”—Psalm 119:11.
Safeguard the Heart
To treasure God’s sayings in your heart requires first that you read and study the Scriptures and Bible-based literature. This helps convince you that God’s laws are of real value to you—a treasure. This series, “Young People Ask . . . ,” is written to help you build such an appreciation. Are you carefully reading each article?
On the other hand, sexually stimulating material that one reads, listens to, or views for entertainment will whip up the “sexual appetite.” (Colossians 3:5) Strictly avoid such material! Ponder instead on things that are chaste and you will lessen your heart’s craving for sensual pleasure.
Interestingly, research has shown that a young person’s closest friends have a great influence on whether he stays chaste. Therefore, those who wish to guard their heart will heed the psalmist’s words: “A partner I am of all those who do fear you [God], and of those keeping your orders.”—Psalm 119:63.
Are your friends those who are really striving to ‘keep God’s orders’? Joanna, a young woman who learned to say no, reported what helped her: “If you are around people who love Jehovah, you find that, as you talk about morals, you start to feel the same way they do. For instance, if you hear them say that immorality is disgusting, you begin to feel likewise. On the other hand, if you’re with someone that doesn’t care, pretty soon you’ll become just like him.”—Proverbs 13:20.
While it is essential to guard what goes into your heart, usually most young people become involved in immorality when they begin spending much time alone with someone of the opposite sex. A nationwide study by Robert Sorensen found that 56 percent of the young men surveyed and 82 percent of the women had sexual relations for the first time with someone with whom they were either going steady or at least knew well and liked a lot. So if you are old enough to pursue marriage, how can you get better acquainted with someone and still keep chaste?
Avoiding Pitfalls When Courting
When a couple start seeing each other, their hearts can soon become entwined. Yet, the Bible warns: “The heart is trickier than anything and in a desperate state; who understands it?” (Jeremiah 17:9, Byington) One may feel a perfectly normal attraction toward someone. But the more you’re around each other, the greater the attraction. It’s the way we are made. Yet, this normal desire can lead your heart astray. “Out of the heart come wicked reasonings, . . . fornications,” said Jesus Christ. (Matthew 15:19) To avoid such requires that you lead your heart rather than let it lead you. How can you do this?—Proverbs 23:19.
A MATTER OF COMMUNICATION: “By presumptuousness one only causes a struggle, but with those consulting together there is wisdom.” (Proverbs 13:10) Often a couple misunderstand what each expects in terms of expressions of affection. Frequently, a man may feel that the woman expects him to initiate kissing and petting, when in reality she may not. Therefore, let the other person know how you feel about the matter by “consulting together.” But regardless of how the other may feel, wisely set limits on expressions of affection. At the same time, don’t give out mixed signals. Wearing tight, revealing, sexy clothes can give your partner the wrong message.
CAREFULLY WATCH CIRCUMSTANCES: The Bible tells about a young virgin who was invited by her boyfriend to hike with him to a secluded spot in the mountains where together they could enjoy the beauties of early spring. However, the girl’s brothers found out about it and indignantly put a stop to the couple’s plans. It was not that they felt that she was immoral, but they knew the power of temptation under such circumstances. (Song of Solomon 1:6; 2:8-15; 8:10) Regardless of what reasoning your tricky heart conjures up, avoid being alone with someone of the opposite sex in a house, an apartment, or in an automobile parked in some secluded spot.
KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS: There are times when you may be more vulnerable to sexual enticements than at other times. You may be discouraged because of some personal failure or a disagreement with others, perhaps your parents. During such times you will have to be especially cautious. Also, be careful about your use of alcoholic beverages. Under the influence of these, you can lose your inhibitions. “Wine and sweet wine are what take away good motive.”—Hosea 4:11.
SAY NO AND MEAN IT: What can a couple do when emotions escalate and they find themselves becoming dangerously intimate? One of them has to say or do something that ‘breaks the spell.’ One young woman named Debra found herself alone with her date, who stopped the car in a lonely place to “talk.” When the emotions began to escalate, Debra said to her friend: “Isn’t this necking? Shouldn’t we stop?” That broke the mood. He immediately drove them home. To say no under these circumstances may be the hardest thing you ever have had to do, but as one 20-year-old female who committed fornication said: “If you don’t walk away, you’ll be sorry!”
HAVE A CHAPERON: Though looked down upon in some countries, a chaperon is a must in others. “It looks as if we can’t be trusted,” complain some youngsters. It’s not you that can’t be trusted, it’s your heart! Proverbs 28:26 bluntly states: “He that is trusting in his own heart is stupid, but he that is walking in wisdom is the one that will escape.” Walk wisely by having someone else join you on a date. “I really respect the fellow who brings his own chaperon. I know he is as interested as I am in being chaste,” revealed Debra. “It works no hardship, for when we want to say something privately, we just step out of earshot of others. The protection it affords is worth any inconvenience.”
However, what is the greatest help in staying chaste?
Friendship With God
Often you may refrain from a certain action because of not wanting to hurt the feelings of a friend. Similarly, developing a close friendship with God, considering him to be a real person with feelings, will help you avoid conduct that offends him. Pouring out your heart to him about specific problems draws you close to him. Many couples wishing to remain chaste have even prayed together to God during emotionally charged situations and asked that he give them the needed strength.
Jehovah reciprocates by giving such ones “power beyond what is normal.” (2 Corinthians 4:7) You, of course, have to do your part. Yet, be assured that with God’s help and blessing, it is possible to say no to sexual immorality.
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When courting, avoid immorality by not isolating yourselves