Young People Ask . . .
Married Too Soon—Can We Succeed?
“We’d been dating since I was 16. At 18 we got married. It was going to be wonderful—forever! But after about four months, I went crazy under the pressure.”—Tonya.a
MARRIAGE at any age can be sobering. Says the Bible: “Those who marry will have pain and grief.” (1 Corinthians 7:28, The New English Bible) But for many who enter wedlock in “the bloom of youth,” the pain and grief often seem to come in unbearable doses.—1 Corinthians 7:36.
This is mainly because teenagers are still growing up; they are seldom equipped to assume the role of husband or wife. Dr. Jane K. Burgess observes: “Young people are extremely idealistic about marriage. They don’t look at it in terms of the everyday kind of work and effort that a successful marriage will take.” The realities of marriage can thus hit a couple with all the warmth and charm of a slap in the face.
“You’re expecting everything to be great and wonderful, like a fantasy,” says young Kim. “The new wears off, though, and then it’s the cooking, the dishes, the groceries, the laundry—while your husband sits on the couch. He never had to do such chores because his mom did it all for him. You never think about being tired and irritable when you’re dating. And when you get pregnant, it all becomes ten times worse!”
Oftentimes, too, teenagers marry with reckless haste. “I married a man I thought was a true Christian,” recalls Helen. “Because of my own lack of experience, I didn’t get to know him well enough. After ten months of marriage, I could no longer tolerate his unchristian behavior.” The failure of Helen’s marriage is by no means unique. In the United States, most teenage marriages fail within five years.
Dire statistics notwithstanding, millions of teenagers have taken the plunge into matrimony. Perhaps you are one of them. If so, you may already feel overwhelmed by the pressures of marriage.
No Way Out?
Although marrying young may not be wise, it is not necessarily a sin. Marriage is honorable in the eyes of God. (Hebrews 13:4) True, some extreme circumstances may justify a separation or a divorce. (Matthew 19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:12-15) Generally, though, God requires that couples stick together. (Matthew 19:6) While that may seem like a tough stance, it also means that God wants you to succeed.
One teenage husband says: “It’s too late for, ‘Was I too young? Are we really right for each other?’ and all the other second-guessing. You’re married!” So rather than bemoan your fate, why not try to find some way to make your marriage work?
Who’s In Charge Here?
The Bible tells couples: “Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord . . . A husband is head of his wife.” (Ephesians 5:22, 23) However, when a young man has spent his whole life under the protective shadow of mom and dad, becoming a family head can be an awesome responsibility.
One young wife recalls regarding her husband: “Tom didn’t want me going anywhere by myself. I felt trapped, locked in. He thought that anytime I tried to question him, it was a challenge to his authority.” On the other hand, some wives find it difficult to view their young husbands as their head. Others may chafe at the slightest hint of a husbandly decision, refusing to cooperate when they disagree.
This can be most distressing if you are a fledgling husband. But there’s really no need to become disturbed simply because your bride does not rush to obey your every command. It will take time for your wife to feel secure under your headship. In the meantime, work at earning her respect, not by trying to control her, but by taking the lead and trying to make balanced decisions.—Compare 1 Corinthians 16:13.
The Bible further exhorts: “In showing honor to one another take the lead.” (Romans 12:10) Yes, honor your wife by putting her interests ahead of your own. (Philippians 2:4) Give her latitude, treating her as a respected partner, not as a slave. (See Malachi 2:14.) Whenever possible, consult with her when major decisions must be made. (Proverbs 13:10) This will make submitting to your headship easier for her.
What, though, if you are a young wife? It may try your patience to submit to your young husband when his lack of maturity is sometimes embarrassingly apparent or when he doesn’t show the best of judgment. However, chiding him or rebelling will do little to improve your lot. “The more she scolded me, the more I would clam up,” confessed one young husband. Try showing honor by making allowance for his inexperience. He just might respond by showing more respect for your point of view. If he makes a decision that irritates you—but violates no moral laws—why not simply go along with it? “The wisdom from above is . . . ready to obey.” (James 3:17) By being supportive of his headship, you can help him to become more competent.
Money Problems
Some say that the number-one problem for young couples is money. Couples are often shocked to learn just how much it costs to live. Ray and Lora, for example, “had no food or money” after their wedding. “We slept on the floor,” they confess. Brad and Tonya suffered similar economic pressure when Brad lost his job—and Tonya had to pay the bills.
While it is true that young people often have trouble finding work that pays good wages, money problems are sometimes the result of poor money management. Consider the young wife who says: “I just spend the money until it’s gone and then I don’t have any for the last week of the month.” Other couples suffer because they fail to communicate. “I went out and bought a car without talking it over with her,” confesses a husband named Jake. “What we really needed was furniture,” laments his wife.
Sound familiar? Then perhaps you haven’t put away “the traits of a babe” when it comes to handling money. (1 Corinthians 13:11) Do you shop by impulse? Then learn to make a shopping list, and stick to it. Discuss major purchases. (Proverbs 15:22) Keep track of your expenses, and work out a reasonable budget.b Doing so can spare you much financial stress.
Can We Talk?
That brings us to what some call the number-two problem among young couples: communication. Some couples retreat into tense silence. Others engage in verbal violence. “The biggest arguments that [we] had were over the dumbest things,” recalls Sylvia, a divorcée. “Things like his leaving his shoes all over the house, or my taking bites from his dinner plate.”
Misunderstandings and disagreements are bound to occur. But “malicious bitterness and anger and wrath and screaming and abusive speech” simply tear down a marriage. (Ephesians 4:31) Get into the habit of talking things over while an irritation is still small. When you do, attack the problem—not the person. If things start to get out of hand, refuse to fuel an argument. “Where there is no wood the fire goes out,” says Proverbs 26:20. Later, when both of you have calmed down, try talking things over again.
Good communication is also the key to solving another common problem: sexual dissatisfaction. Sometimes a young couple are simply too exhausted from their new routine to enjoy marital intimacies. The book Building a Successful Marriage says: “Husbands and wives come to marriage with a vast amount of misinformation concerning the role and functioning of sex.” Taken in by the world’s propaganda, many couples come to have grossly unrealistic expectations in this regard. Selfishness and lack of self-control also play a role. Open communication, along with time and patience, is essential. When each ‘seeks the advantage of the other,’ sex is rarely a serious problem.—1 Corinthians 10:24.
Clearly, then, marriage is not for children. If you have already married, you are not doomed to failure. “My first year of marriage was really rough,” says one married woman. “But because of applying Bible principles, we are now leading a contented, happy married life.” So can you.
[Footnotes]
a Some names have been changed.
b The article “Budget Your Money—The Easy Way!” appearing in our April 22, 1985, issue has some helpful suggestions.
[Picture on page 26]
Supporting a young man in his husbandly role can bring out the best in him