Being a Successful Single Parent
“The one thing that all single parents never have enough of is time.”—The Single Parent’s Survival Guide.
“A lack of money is the most serious problem.”—The London Times.
‘Loneliness is a major source of stress for the lone parent.’—Give Us a Break, a survey of leisure opportunities for single parents.
ALL parents face challenges, joys, and problems. But single parents do so without a partner. Consequently, time, money, and loneliness often feature prominently in their lives.
Harsh though the reality of their life may be, single parents can succeed in their family life, and many do. Much depends on which standards they adopt and how strongly they are committed to these.
Interestingly, the Bible long ago predicted the present moral and social turmoil. Notice how the Christian apostle Paul alerted the young disciple Timothy to this. “But know this,” he warned, “in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be lovers of themselves, . . . disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement.”—2 Timothy 3:1-3.
The Bible is not simply a book that accurately prophesied today’s attitudes. It contains the very principles that, when followed, assure success in family life. (2 Timothy 3:16, 17) Consider how some of these can help single parents cope with problems of time, money, and loneliness.
Buy Out Time
No matter how organized you are, time is an elusive commodity. To use your time well, you first of all need to identify what really happens to it. Then you will be able to decide which activities are most important to you. “Keep a ‘time diary,’” suggests one single-parent organization. “In this you keep a record of everything you do throughout a day or a week, and see how much time it takes you. After that, you look to see where time could be saved, or used better, by changing things around or by not doing certain things.”
Such sound advice reflects the Scriptural wisdom behind the apostle’s instruction: “Keep strict watch that how you walk is not as unwise but as wise persons, buying out the opportune time for yourselves, because the days are wicked.”—Ephesians 5:15, 16.
For example, does TV viewing figure prominently in your daily routine? Reducing this will give you extra time to talk with your children and to do things together. That can help to build good relationships with them.
‘My attempts to sit down and talk with my children simply lead to long stony silences,’ you may say. Possibly so, but do not let that deter you. Counselors of lone parents recommend that you listen for feelings in your children’s everyday conversations, such as the comments they make about their school friends or what they plan to do. But you can’t do that when the TV grips your attention, can you? Even if you allow it to play in the background, distraction may rob you of vital information about your youngsters’ innermost thoughts and emotions. So make time for your children. Do the household chores together, and as you do, talk with them—and listen when they speak!
Read with them too. Research shows a strong relationship between a child’s literacy at age five and his subsequent achievement. All the more reason to buy out time for reading together. A few minutes before bedtime, or earlier in the evening before you feel too tired, will be time well spent.
Be Content With Necessities
Many single parents find themselves trapped in a vicious financial circle. Somehow they must gain enough money to pay for adequate housing, food, and clothing. But going out to work raises the question of proper care for the children.
Child-care facilities are not always easy to come by, nor are they inexpensive. Some lone parents succeed by enlisting the help of their relatives—grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Others rely on infants’ schools, play areas, and child-care facilities provided by their employers. Government grants, if available, do not always cover the fees that may be required for such child care. In some lands, single parents with infants may be able to choose not to seek employment but to stay at home and exist on money the government provides.
With an increasing number of lone parents to care for, the governments, in turn, look to those whom they hold responsible. In Britain this has already led to a clampdown on absent fathers who fail to provide financially for their children. Child-support agencies pursue the errant fathers to recoup the missing payments. If single mothers refuse to help agencies trace the father, they stand to lose some financial benefits. “In Sweden it is estimated that 40 per cent of defaulters are caught through local social insurance agencies, and in France the courts enforce maintenance orders and pursuit of defaulters,” reports The Times of London.
Courts or no courts, government aid or no government aid, many single parents find ways of helping themselves to survive on less money than they were formerly used to. How? By budgeting differently.
Learning to budget differently is a skill. It usually means changing spending priorities—for example, putting aside money for housing and heating bills first, then for buying food, and then for paying off loans. “Having sustenance and covering,” explained the apostle Paul, “we shall be content with these things.”—1 Timothy 6:8.
Have you considered sharing costs with others? Buying food and household goods in bulk with other parents can save you money. Whatever way you budget, remember you need to sit down and calculate your expenses. (Compare Luke 14:28.) Why not enlist your youngsters’ assistance in working out the budget? Then they may count it a privilege to help you stick to it. You may even find you will be able to put money aside as savings.
To Win Friends, Be Friendly
“Practice giving, and people will give to you,” counseled Jesus. “With the measure that you are measuring out, they will measure out to you in return.” (Luke 6:38) The same is true in personal relationships. Your interest in others can win a friendly response. The best way to conquer loneliness is to take the initiative to make friends. Perhaps you can find reliable friends who will mind your children so that you can go out to visit. Better still, why not ask friends over to visit you?
But here a word of caution is necessary. Remember, “bad associations spoil useful habits.” (1 Corinthians 15:33) Loneliness can only be satisfactorily conquered when the friendships you make truly upbuild and bring contentment.
Acting as Mother and Father
Single parents have to be both mother and father to their children—no easy task for anyone. And do not forget, children are born imitators. They learn how to be responsible adults by watching what responsible adults do. Much depends, then, on what kind of role model you provide for your children. Commenting on the absence of fathers for large numbers of boys growing up in America’s inner cities, The Sunday Times of London states: “The violence and social chaos . . . tells us how a generation of males behaves when about half of them grow to adolescence without a constraining sense of what it means to be an adult male.”
When children are reared by single parents, their health and schoolwork and even their economic prospects can be adversely affected, says Duncan Dormor in The Relationship Revolution. Other researchers dispute these findings. Poverty and social deprivation are what they blame. Nevertheless, many agree with social scientist Charles Murray’s assessment: “A child with a mother and no father, living in a neighbourhood of mothers with no fathers, judges by what he sees. You can send in social workers and school teachers and clergy to tell a young male that when he grows up he should be a good father to his children. But he doesn’t know what that means unless he’s seen it.” Yes, boys need both a mother and a father, and girls do too.
At Psalm 68:5, the Bible describes Jehovah God as “a father of fatherless boys.” Mothers who look to God for guidance find in him the best example for their children. Fathers who bring up their children alone value help from responsible, mature women. Yes, what all single parents need is loving support. Here is perhaps where you can help.
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Fathers Who Are Also “Mothers”
Men who head one-parent families are in a minority. But as more marriages break up, more and more men are deciding to care for their children alone. “One of the greatest difficulties men in this situation seem to face is that of the adolescent daughter,” explains The Single Parent’s Survival Guide. Embarrassment causes some fathers to avoid discussing sexual matters. Others arrange for a trustworthy female relative to talk with their daughters. All single parents, male as well as female, will benefit greatly by reading with their children the book Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work.a This publication contains sections entitled “Sex and Morals” and “Dating, Love, and the Opposite Sex.” Each chapter concludes with a feature called Questions for Discussion, designed to ensure a proper review of even the most intimate matters.
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a Published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society of New York, Inc.
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Spending time with your children builds good relationships
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Whatever way you budget, sit down and calculate your expenses